The Day One Direction Died

Chapter 16 - A Zombie With a Smile - Eleanor

Chapter 16 - Eleanor - A Zombie With a Smile

I'm sorry for the sad chapter

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I sat in my closet, in nothing but a bra and underwear, unsure what to wear. My bathroom door was adjoining my closet, and the door was open. Zayn was in my bedroom, but the doors that led into my bedroom were locked.

I didn't want this. I couldn't take this drama. I regretted my decision to meet Josh. Lately, the only time I could stop thinking of Louis was when I was kissing Zayn. What would he want me to wear? He never really hated Josh. Wasn't friends with him, just a simple greeting or short conversation when they saw each other. Niall was friends with him, so I suppose that meant the rest of the boys respected him. But Lou was gone now. Niall was gone. Dani was gone. My life was gone.

I went into my bathroom and looked in the mirror. I looked into my swollen, bloodshot eyes. I was trying so hard not to cry I could barely breath. I walked into my closet again, and I saw the red dress.

I tear fell.

I looked up, reaching to the top of my closet, determined to find something to wear. I accidently knocked over a shoe box and knocked a few things down. I wiped the tear from my eye and picket the shoe box up, along with an old shirt. Then I saw what was under the top.

Another tear fell.

And another.

And another.

Tears fell until I couldn't see, I could only hold the small, velvet box against my chest and let the tears fall. Guilt washed over me. The whole in my heart was stronger than ever.

I let it rip me apart.

I let out a sob as I stood up, grasping the tiny thing to my breast. I walked over to the bathtub and sat down, opening the soft, velvet object.

The ring. The last thing holding me to Louis. The last thing holding me to love. The last thing that carried a memory of when there was no hole in my heart. I don't feel anymore.

My life is gone.

I can only feel guilt, and pain.

I don't feel love.

Or joy.

Or bliss.

Or want.

My heart is missing almost. But I am too good at hiding it.

I try to hide it by burying myself in Zayn. In the smiles that I fake. In the way that my mouth used to move when I really laughed.

I hide it by becoming a shell of myself. I don't know how I can stay alive. I don't know how I am still alive.

I know too many things about the world now.

I know that there is no God now.

I know that the only thing keeping my on this Earth in myself.

I know that I don't really care anymore.

I know that I am so close to being done with everything.

I know that I can't take it much longer anymore.

I know that I don't really care for people anymore.

I only care about staying alive I suppose. I only care about Louis being remembered. I only care about what he would think of me now; which is why I try to hold on. Why I try to become myself again.

I care about Zayn, in some far off, distant land that I am closer to when he touches me.

Maybe that far off island is reality.

Maybe I'm losing my mind.

But I don't feel love anymore.

The emotions I have a raw, like a ball in my beaten, weary, desolate, empty, dead heart, and they are all the same. A single ball of confused emotion that doesn't take form. It just pushes itself into every single fiber of my being, eating me from the inside out, and my body doesn't know how to react. The worse it is, the less I eat. The less I hang on. The more my body trembles, like it is now. The less I cry because after the ball of emotion hits, I will just recede inside myself, not caring about anything anymore. I can feel it now. I can feel my heart losing the soul it keeps trapped inside. I could feel the aura of emotion escaping the harsh conditions of my barricaded heart.

I drown myself in fake reality because it once helped me feel joy. Now I succumb myself in it, in an attempt to restore that former joy and become myself again. But I am merely a shell, with dead eyes and no soul. A zombie with a smile. I am falling into the dark depths of my own mind.

I looked around my closet. My hands were wet with the tears that fell from my dead eyes that no longer carried a soul. When I set my hand down next to me, I accidently knocked over something into the tub. I looked down.

A razor.

I thought about it. I contemplated revealing what was on the inside of my body to the outside.

Then I thought of what Louis would think.

When I thought his name the emotion in my heart grew, until another tear fell. I let out a sob.

"El? Are you okay?"

The voice was Zayn's. No, I couldn't harm myself. That would take away the façade. That would rip apart my shell.

I stood up and turned on the water, rinsing my face in cool water to wipe away the tears, the blotchiness. I walked into my closet and grabbed a black shirt and white shorts. Black and white. It matched my soul. I walked into the bathroom again and put on black mascara and clear lip gloss, with black and white eye shadow and black eyelashes.

I walked out of the closet, to see Zayn staring at the tele with his mouth wide open. His phone was buzzing next to him incessantly.

"Zayn?"

He looked at me, and there was something in his eyes. Some kind of hope, mixed with shock, and then a dash of something completely unreadable.

He moved his mouth like he was going to speak, and then looked back at the tele.

I came to sit beside him, and I looked at what was on the screen.

ONE DIRECTION'S LOUIS TOMLISON, NOT DEAD?