Riverdale Fanfic by Someone Who's Never Seen Riverdale

archie returns

Autumn was turning to winter in Riverdale, Mississippi. A thin sheet of frost crept over the town's windows each night, and the air was fresh and cold.

Archie Comics threw his rucksack into his truck and hauled himself into the front seat. With a sigh, he slammed the door shut and flipped down the mirror above his wheel. He squinted. five more greys. He pushed back his hairline, which had been receding like the tide for the last few months. He sighed.

A phlegmy grumble in his chest turned into a cough. He considered shutting off the engine and running back inside for his pack of Capris, but he gripped the wheel and steeled himself. No. He was twelve months strong without those things. His lungs would thank him.

Besides, it was the first day of his freshman semester.

He yanked the gearstick and zoomed out into the road.

He whistled as he drove. It was an old habit of his, occasionally punctuated by his smoker's cough. As much as he hated school, there was just something about the autumn that made him excited.

"There he is!" Archie whooped as he pulled into his parking spot. He slapped his horn.

A boy jumped.

"Hey!" Archie said, jumping out of his car. He winced upon landing, his hand moving instinctively to his bad hip, in which he had recently received a titanium replacement joint. He grabbed his bag and slammed the truck door. "Where's my 'hello', Jug?"

The boy merely sneered at him. "It's not Jug anymore, man." He popped a mint into his mouth. It moved through his thin lips like a credit card being engulfed by an ATM. He said, "I'm rebranding."

"Yeah, I noticed the hair."

Jug rustled his newly-black hair self-consciously and folded his arms. "I don't go by Jug anymore." Because Archie hadn't asked, he was forced to elaborate, "I go by Jugony Darkness Obsidian Nuclear Fusion Elliot Crabapple Head."

Archie's mouth opened and closed like a fish. Clouds of hot breath formed in the air. "Sure thing, man," he said in the cadence of a question. "Are you gonna join me at the try-outs?"

"I don't play American football any more, Archibald!"

Archie's hand moved instinctively to his hair before realising that that was his full name. He tried to play it off by slotting his hands into his pockets in a way he hoped looked nonchalant.

He said, "Oh yeah?"

"I like books now. Ever heard of Bukowski? Hemmingway?" He struggled to name another twentieth-century male author, which was astonishing given the typical high school syllabus. "Girls dig it."

"Oh yeah?" he said again, disorientated by all this information.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm no quarterback, but there's this chick I really want to take to the Spring Fling, bro," he said Americanly. "She's new."

Archie followed Jug(ony)'s gaze beyond the clusters of high schoolers and towards the girl standing stiff-backed at the bike shed. She was wearing a tartan cape and a headband, and her feet were nestled in some loafers. She locked her bike and stood abruptly, flicking her dark hair over her shoulder and striding into school with purpose.

"Oh yeah?" Archie rubbed his jaw. "Who's that fine little dime? That dame's got legs for miles!"

"That's Blair Waldorf," Jug replied with a sad little sigh. "We went to camp together, but she didn't notice me at all."

Archie took a hit of his inhaler. "She looks uptight."

"She just moved in from New York City. She's pretty rich you know. My family could use that kind of money."

Before Archie could reply, the sharp sound of a cleared throat cut through the air.

"Boys," said Cheryl Orange. She tossed her hair behind her shoulder.

Archie's jaw tensed as he collected his patience. He turned slowly, hoisting his schoolbag higher on his shoulder.

"Cheryl," he replied reluctantly.

Cheryl Orange was this orange person who went to school with them. Archie did not really know very much about her other than that she wore mainly orange and claimed to be a sorceress.

Today, Cheryl wore a large fur cape, the bottom of which had been slightly moistened by a puddle. Underneath she wore a ballgown.

"Cheryl," said Jug, "why are you dressed like that for school?"

"Shut up." She snapped her acrylics at him, chewing her gum. "Thou knowest not the ways of the witch. And besides, your last name is Head." She cranked her heart-shaped sunglasses down a little to see over them. "You look different."

Jug checked left and right and said in a hushed whisper, "I'm rebranding."

"He's into this girl," Archie explained. He gestured to the school with his walking stick. "She's gone in there."

"Gross," said Cheryl. "I thought you liked that little yellow-headed creature, anyway?"

Jug took a moment to process what she had just said. "Betty?" He laughed in a way that was clearly fake. "God! Ha! Yeah, as if!"

She regarded him with disgust. After chomping gum silently for a moment, she snapped her sunglasses back to their usual position. She addressed Archie, "Fillet of a fenny snake, I need your help with something."

Archie shifted restlessly, glancing at the American football field. He said with palpable reluctance, "Yeah...what is it, Cheryl?"

She exhaled candyfloss-scented smoke. "They've shot my dad."

Archie's head whipped back to Cheryl. His thoughts were reeling. Riverdale wasn't the kind of place people got shot. Not in Mississippi! The worst thing that happened in this sweet little place was that the occasional child would go missing upon each Blood Moon, but Mr Orange? A taxpayer?

"What?" he cried. "Who shot your dad, Cheryl?"

She chewed. "The Gargle Rat."

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