Just some vey belated holiday shorts.
Halloween,
Life #10, age 11,
Harry Potter Now Speaks Troll
Bad decisions had been made. Namely, that Harry had taught the twins how to turn butter-beer into firewhiskey last week, and so he'd stayed up, partying the nights away all week, forgetting all about his plan to deal with the troll.
Harry knew this was a bad decision because there was currently a troll loudly roaring at him.
Go figure.
"One second..." grumbled Harry.
The troll roared again.
Harry jumped back as the troll brought its club down where he had just been standing.
The new Ravenclaw's books spilled out of his bag, onto the cold hard ground. Harry carelessly picked them up while the troll yanked its club free from the wall. Still all too relaxed for the situation, Harry flipped through the pages.
\\Bop you head.// said Harry in troll, although his pronunciation was terrible.
\\No bop head small bean!// roared the troll.
\\Will!//
\\No!//
\\Small bean bop!// shouted Harry. \\Stick bop!//
\\Small stick bop?//
Harry smiled, relieved that he had gotten through to the troll. Quickly he flipped through the pages, while the troll grumbled.
\\Bad beans come, bop you head, steal you.//
\\Small stick bop no hurt.// the troll reassured.
\\See!// Harry said, slowly taking his wand out, and gently flicking it at the door to the women's bathroom. The door crumpled.
\\Bad small stick.// the giant acknowledged.
Hermione, hearing the crumpling noise of the door and a roaring noise, stepped out and screamed, seeing the troll.
The troll quickly scooped up Harry and began to run. \\Bad stick bean! Safe small bean!// it told Harry, trying to coddle him as much as it could.
A few days later, a deer patronus flew into a very panicked head master's office, and recited a message in Harry's voice.
"Heyyyyy Beardy
"Just wanted you to know I'll be back in a few months, but right now me and Lawrence are in the Himalayas, and as it turns out, it takes several days to give a troll a mani-pedi. He chose blue nails with stars, which reminded me of you, so do remember to thank him for reminding me to write you next time we all hang out.
"Okay, remember to feed Fluffy for me, and don't let Norbert burn down the forest, we don't need any more unicorns feeding Tommy Tongue-Twister.
"All my love bestie,
"-Harry Zigzag"
•
This one is reeaally weird, don't judge me.
Christmas,
Life #6, age 16,
Harry Potter and the Christmas Eaters
Harry Potter was hog-tied with an apple in his mouth.
He was currently lying on a table in an old dingy manor, surrounded by Death Eaters. They were all staring quite intently at him.
"We could at least take the apple out of his mouth..." said one.
"It's a candle that's been transfigured into an apple, there's no real substance in it." grunted another.
"I know, I know, but maybe if we eat it we can trick our bodies into thinking it's real food."
"That sounds stupidly muggle."
"You sound stupidly muggle!"
Before a fight could break out between the death eaters, however, the door to the hall swung open and Lord Voldemort himself entered.
There was a chorus of gasps and 'my lord's, and then there was silence.
In his strange, hissy voice, Voldemort asked, "what is going on in here? Your volume displeases me, and I would hate to have to kill you after I put so much work into freeing you from Azkaban..."
One man whimpered, but spoke up. "My Lord, though we find your Christmas decoration very..." the man looked down at Harry Potter, then resumed "festive, it reminds us of a Christmas ham, and we haven't eaten in so long..."
"This just looks like we're going to eat his ass." grumbled another death eater.
"I'd eat his ass... I'd tear him apart!" roared Fenrir Greyback.
"Kinky!" chimed in Bellatrix LeStrange.
"What." said Voldemort.
"I can't take it anymore!" wailed the death eater who had first suggested eating the apple out of Harry's mouth. He lunged across the table and grabbed it, then promptly gagged after taking a bit. It was, after all, wax.
"This is pathetic." said Harry, his mouth now free. "You're all adults, and you can't even cook for yourselves?"
"It's not that easy!" whined a death eater. "Our lord killed the last of our house elves a week ago for undercooking the steak!"
"That's not very SPEW of him..." said Harry.
"Okay, I don't know what's wrong with you all today." said Voldemort. "I am your lord, you should all respect me, fear me! You should-" he was cut off by his stomach rumbling. You could practically see him blushing through the scales on his face.
"Do you just want me to cook for you? 'Cause I'll do it. Honestly, I'm starting to feel bad for you guys."
All of the death eaters looked hopefully at Voldemort.
Voldemort narrows his eyes at the boy.
"Untie him." he finally ordered.
The death eaters cheered, and quickly got to work on untying their new meal source.
Bellatrix bounced up to Voldemort, and whispered, "My Lord, if the boy's cooking can't please you, you can tie me up and eat me out..."
Voldemort gagged, and quickly said, "I need you to take Potter to the store, and make sure he doesn't poison me..."
"Of course my lord!" she chirped, but as she walked to Harry, she whispered in his ear, "I have a love potion which you can totally slip into my Lord's portion of the meal..."
Hi. I know I haven't updated in forever. Sorry. I love you all.
-Lynne
YOU ARE READING
Harry Potter has a Whole Buch of Issues
Fanfiction[In which Harry is in love with Voldemort, and Voldemort is terrified.] The truth is, Harry Potter has done it all before. In his previous lives, he has both defeated and joined Lord Voldemort, and it is beginning to seem like this will be his fate...
