Why Risk Me

Untitled Part 1

The rocks on his driveway laid out a puzzle of connect the dots with no numbers from the direct light of the moon. Only half full, it shone like a brand new light bulb into the still front window of the Ford. The snow along side the paved drive way gathered together on the side of the bricks that lay on the outskirts. His parents must have taken care of the hedges in the summer but now they have gone askew covered in icicles. There was no color portrayed in the dead of night on the longest night of the year, the darkest night of the year. The red of the hood had become grey along with his face, and his fiddling hands. Looking up, the stars shone as though they were put there by a careless child, spilling sparkles all over their new black velvet pants. Small creaks and cracks emitted from the truck as the cold air sealed through it. Yet his breathing was deafening as the constant tension sliced the air between us. There was a slow creeping silence, a deafening mental silence.

I turn my hot face towards him, his eyes turned down at the corners, his mouth in a small pout. He tries to hide his emotions but I see through his mask. The warmth of the Ford starts to seep through the cracks and the fresh cold air grasps my hands first.

"I just want keep you safe, I want to keep you forever." He still looks away, I am pleading silently for him to look at me. A life time goes by before his eyes shift towards me, his hands clenching at his clothing, his eyes soon shut tight.

"I know, but..." I pause thinking what would hurt him less, what would save him more. I start wracking my black hair through my fingers, a habit I had gained in the 5th grade. I searched frantically for an answer, his eyes held none.

"I need to explore, I need to breath in other air, I need to look upon other mountains, I need to experience new things even if they may be dangerous." The street light has a sickly low glow bringing forth no news from 30 feet away but spread the darkness, splitting it, lighting up what was there to be seen. He hasn't said anything for a while, staring blankly forward towards the open farmer's field, only white snow shone in the prominent moon light, not full but just as vibrant. Small patches of dead grass poked through from the warmth of the day before. Frost glistened between the blades, my attention is brought back to his grey face covered in shadows.

"I just need protect you, why you need that stuff? Why would you risk your life for something that so stupid." I excused his use of poor English language, considering it is not his first. I am tired of the war in my head we had so many opposing views.

"Would you risk me?" My eyes zip to his, now they stood still on mine, dark as the night surrounding us, they bore into mine seeping out the truth.

"No." A simple answer for a simple question.

"Then why would you try them, I've seen so many people get destroyed by drugs and alcohol, even cigarettes, that's what my family is, I thought that when I found you I would be away from that." His hands emphasize his emotions, his voice crept up to a frightening level, my hands move faster with entwining my hair. Knotting it. The strands slowly became loosened around my fingers again, relieving the pain. He stares at the street lamp again.

"I didn't know... But you have to trust me, I was raised differently, I was and you know that... I know you are scared I know, but I am different. You said it yourself 11 months ago when we went on our first date. I was just 16 back then not yet a woman and you saw that I was different, you saw a women, and I am still her... That person, that day. I am still here." The cold air starts sucking the warmth out of my body, even through the layers I had on. I place my hand along his cheek feeling the soft but prickliness of his unshaven beard. Closing my hand away from him, the salt infused water gleams in a sheer layer on my hand, it turns cold. The pain in my chest is unbearable, tightening, squeezing, unshaking.

"I'm sorry but that's just how I see it..."

"Don't you want to live a long life with me, don'.. Don't you see that I care about you, that I don't want to lose you over some stupid drug!"

"Do you not trust me?!" My voice screeches in my head, coming out too high pitched and more hateful than I had anticipated. My heart skips relieving the pain, jolting my stomach into my throat, eyes stinging. I cant hold back anymore. His hands usually envelope mine, but this time mine envelopes his. My whole body faces his in the drivers seat, the black heap of hair on his head covers his eyes but the small drops sound of the tears dropping on my coat sleeve is prominent. The tears streaming down my face feel like acid burning me. After a while I had already removed my hand, he brings his up to my cheek his hands are rough like stone from his work. His eyes are slightly closed, watery, hurt. The cab has fresh air mixing with the fading smell of exhaust, but I still focus on his, reminding me of the first time I had ever hugged him, calling him febreze boy after I got home.

"I need you." His voice skipping. The sudden realization hit me, I was needed. He shocks me as I stare at this tall, broad man. He is a man, not a boy anymore.

He wanted to protect me. The smell of his laundry detergent gave me a sense of security like I was home. I was safe, but he was keeping me from what I wanted, I had a choice. Him or freedom.

He shook in my hands, the cold had gotten to both me and him. His sweater I knew was a bright yellow but it had changed to grey in the midnight light.

"Baby I'm sorry, I know you want to protect me bu..." His words slice through mine, stopping me in the middle of my explanation.

"Why do you want to try those things. Why would you risk being away from me, I trust you I just don't trust the people you might be with I can't have someone else touching you, you are supposed to be with me, you are the only one that makes me happy you bring the light to this darkness that surrounds me. I can't let something happen to you. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I could have stopped something that hurt you, knowing that I should have been there." I didn't recognize his voice, he is different, I am seeing a side that he hid away, that he shied away.

"Because I want to try, I was always told to try new things and look where its got me, It's brought me you hasn't it..."

"Then why would you risk losing me?" A burning sensation builds up in my stomach, moving towards my heart.

"I'm sorry. I want to protect you..." I sat up straight, tears pouring now, I felt the need, the undeniable urge to protect the one I love.

"I will protect you, I will not do anything to hurt you, and I am hurting you right now, I'm sorry. I will save you and save myself..." My mind flashing back to the beginning of high school, the terrible memories, the terrible people I was surrounded by. So many losses. So few gains.

"Look what it's brought me." My hand reaches toward his face, clasping his chin gently bringing his eyes to mine. I can have him and freedom, he is my happiness, my future, my only.

"Look what it's brought me." I repeat moving my face closer. No confusion was shown on his face, the cold air hit my teeth shocking me, but I never stopped smiling, I had someone who cared for me, someone to protect me, someone to share their side of the story with, someone to argue with, someone that will always be there. I had a best friend. He kisses me softly, the residue from his tears is eminent, but the true taste of his lips is so indescribable and hasn't changed since the first. The stretching of his lips against mine, feels so familiar, backing away from him his smile stays.

"Thank you." Once again my lips are against his, more passionate, more loving.

'Your mine', is all that races through my mind, I no longer feel the cold, only the relief, the freedom, the light, the reality of what my life has truly come to be, and how amazing it had truly become.