It's been a few weeks since me and Dominik's first date, we've been doing good ever since, and today is dad's birthday, October 9 2022, I decided that I'm gonna go to the graveyard where dad is buried and I'm going to put new flowers on his grave.
This is what I'm dressed in:
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I bought new flowers, they were dad's favorite, lily's.
I got to the graveyard, I walked in and made my way to dad's grave, when I got there I set the flowers on the stones and I sat on the ground and I smiled sadly, "Seven years without dad" I said as I stared at the picture of him on his tombstone "I- I miss you, mom misses you, I can tell, because I always hear her crying at night when she thinks I'm asleep, I always go in to comfort her, but I don't think it works, when I think about you and about that morning, I still cry, and I will always cry because I will always miss you, but then again, you will always be in my heart.... Because, in there you're still alive, therapy is helping me a lot, I've had many questions about.. about that morning and about that moment, the questions always start with 'Why' why did that happen? Why did it have to happen to you? Why did it have to happen so early in your life? Why you? You were taken from us way too soon, I wanted you to be the one who walks me down the isle, I wanted you to be the one to threaten the man that ever breaks my heart, I wanted you to be the one that I have my first dance with at my wedding, I- I wanted you to be here to meet your grandkids, I, I need you to guid me in the right direction because right now? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life, I thought I was ready to be back at work, but I'm losing my passion for the thing I love most, wrestling, it's, it's just not the same without you and it never will be, I hate putting a fake smile on everyday just so mom won't worry about me, I hate life for taking you away from us, I just want a day where it feels like I'm not falling apart" I said as I wiped away my tears, "Dominik took me out on a date a few weeks ago, he's, actually a really nice guy, he makes me happy, I, really really miss you, life took you away from me, and I act like I'm okay, when I'm really not, I hope I'm doing you proud, happy birthday, I love you daddy" I said as tears streamed from my eyes, I stood up and wiped the dirt off of my clothes, I wiped my eyes again "This is so stupid, I don't know why I'm crying" I said to myself then I walked away and got into my car and drove home.
When I got home I walked into the house, mom was standing at the sink washing the dishes, she heard me come in so she turned around as I was taking my shoes off "Are you okay?" She asked me and I nodded without looking at her, "Sasha?" She asked "What?" I asked her "Are you okay?" She asked me "Yeah, it's not like it's my dead dad's birthday or something" I said rudely then walked upstairs to my room, I heard footsteps following from behind, I closed my door as soon as I walked into my room then the door opened again, I sat at my desk and I turned on my computer "What's wrong?" Mom asked me and I rolled my eyes "Gee, I wonder what's wrong with Sasha, let's see shall we? Her dad died in her arms, she witnessed the whole thing, she's been depressed for seven, going on eight years, she has PTSD, she's been having panic attacks, oh, oh, here's the good one, she lost the passion for wrestling, she wears a fake smile everyday so no one will worry about her, she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing with her life, so yeah, I wonder what's wrong with me" I shouted in annoyance then I turned back into my desk trying not to cry "Sasha, why are you shouting? I just asked you if you were okay, that's it, if you don't want to talk, just say that instead of yelling at me" mom said in an angry tone "Yeah mom, I don't want to talk, so can you just get out of my room" I shouted again, she stood up from sitting on my bed then she walked to my bedroom door then she stopped, "You know, it does get better" mom told me "I've been like this for seven years, so don't even tell me that it will get better because it won't, okay? Don't, ever since that morning I've been depressed, this darkness is surrounding me and it feels like I'm suffocating in it, I don't even recognize myself anymore, I used to be this, sweet, charming girl that would do anything to make someone that I love, happy, and what do I get in return? I lost my dad, hell, I even lost myself and who I was, I can't even remember how to be happy, I can't remember what it feels like to be happy, I can't remember what it feels like to have a day where it doesn't feel like I'm falling apart, I'm so lost in my head, that I don't want to be here anymore, but I have to keep on fighting, and for what? So I can be just more depressed with my life?" I screamed as tears rolled down my face, mom just looked at me as tears formed in her eyes "Sasha, I- I didn't know about any of that" Mom told me "Yeah, because you never ask anymore" I shouted, "I just want someone to ask me if I'm okay and when I say yeah, I want them to look at me and say 'no your not' and I want them to hug me, alright? Is that so much to ask for?"I shouted at her then I grabbed my phone and my car keys then I walked past her and walked downstairs then left the house, I don't know where I'm going but I just need to disappear for a little. I just want someone to ask me if I'm okay and when I say yeah, I want them to look at me and say 'no your not' and I want them to hug me, alright? Is that so much to ask for?"I shouted mom told me
I ended up parking in a 24 hour parking lot and I slept in my car.
