Hi, Ate.
Nakakaramdam naman ako but I choose to ignore my feelings and rationalize everything. Lahat ng bagay hinahanapan ko ng butas, hinahanapan ko ng negative side.
Whenever I fall in love, I do all the means to kill it. Baka sabihin ng iba na hindi totoong love yun kasi yung totoong love hindi mo basta basta nalilimutan o nabubura. Hindi ko rin alam actually, Ate. Basta ang sigurado ko lang, masyado akong selfish para ibigay ang puso ko sa ibang tao.
I'm scared of losing myself in the process. I'm too traumatized for LOVE. Parang yung kanta lang ni Kelly Clarkson na BECAUSE OF YOU. I saw someone very close to my heart get hurt because of loving too much kaya ako ngayon ang product, TAKOT NA TAKOT na magcommit.
I'm the product of a broken marriage because of a third party. Nakita ko 'yung pagpapakamartir ng babaeng minamahal ko nang sobra, my mom. It had a very big effect on me, nawalan na kasi ako ng paniniwala sa sacrament of matrimony. I don't believe in happy endings. I don't believe in ever afters and the existence of "forever" when it comes to love. Maybe because of it kaya naging defense mechanism ko na talaga na protektahan ang sarili ko kapag pumapasok ako sa relationship.
I rarely form deep emotional ties with anyone, mainly because I avoid building ties with the opposite sex. Naging tagline ko na rin yung "Ayoko ngang magpakasal, eew. Papabuntis na lang ako tapos ang usapan."
The thought of a long-term commitment makes me cringe. And now there's someone who wants to change this. He's been a friend to me for more than 5 years. And recently lang talaga kami nagkaaminan na may feelings kami for each other but we're stuck in different time zones.
I recently left the country kasama ang pamilya ko (well, what's left of my family). He's willing to wait for me, and he's doing his best to prove that not all men are the same. He's doing everything to prove that not all men are like my Dad. I appreciate what he is doing but, I don't think I can handle this anymore. The distance, the overwhelming emotions...
Hindi ko alam Ate, naguguluhan ako. Para sa akin kasi wala ring patutunguhan. Hindi ko kayang magcommit lalo na malayo siya sakin, lalo na at hindi ko kayang magtiwala. Takot akong ibigay kahit 50% man lang ata ng puso ko dahil takot akong masaktan. Ayoko ma-in love nang ganun kalalim... Baka malunod ako hindi ko naman masasagip ang sarili ko. They say that love comes with pain. And if love means having to endure the pain for as long as I can, then no way in hell am I going to let myself suffer.
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Yanna,
I feel sad for you. I am not mocking you or making fun of your fears for I know that they're valid. Mahirap talaga kapag nakita mong masaktan ang isang taong mahal mo kasi dobleng sakit 'yung mararamdaman mo para sa kanya. At naiintindihan kita — no betrayal is greater than a father choosing to leave his family for another woman.
