HIDUP

NEW LOVE NEW BEGINNING?

Hey, my lovely readers. No worries, I'm still here. I'm still alive. And uhmmm.. trying my hardest to make sense of everything that is happening in my life. I feel like I'm in a boat without the oars, drifting in a vast open ocean with no sense of directions.

This is not a cry for help. This is a message to let everyone knows that life umm.. that life can never be a justifiable place to call home. Life will always be a place of tests.

And just like all of you, life hurdled me in such tumultuous race. I thought I was running fast enough before knowing a humogous boulder rushing and tumbled me down.

I had a major loss in life. I had lost everything, my wants and my needs. I lost a home!

Now I'm being forced to stay in my childhood room that I had abandoned for more than 10 years, squooshed along with my childhood memories. Adding my stuff in here. Imagine the clutters. My life is basically 225 sq feet at the moment.

I sleep here, I work here, I cry and laugh here too.

I want to start everything from zero but, I don't know where to start. Everyday I wake up with a sense of newness but each passing days, my past will come and claimed their victory. I ended up dropping my knees to the ground and cried.

But it is not life that I want to discuss. It is about the relationship.

I learned tonne from my past, especially relationship wise. Before, I naïvely thought when you in a wedlock with someone, both of you going to live together till the end of time. Apparently that was NOT THE CASE.

I thought I had to mourn over my marriage for at least a year or even two like what I always read from novels. You know from our local novels where a divorcee gone through a very hard time moving on.

I found love in the midst of mourning stage.

Don't get me wrong. My relationship with my ex husband was long had turned sour. Whatever I used to share here was just a façade. I told people, 'nah! I'm genuine as I can ever be'. No. Everything that you see, read, watch online, please! Never believe them. They are 100% a filter.

Those were just fractions of what happened with my life. No one knows the big the gap of our souls even though we both never seperated in piece. Funny, how inseparable you are with a person, universe timing will do whatever in his power to break and seperate both of you.

No matter how much you love and care about your relationship, when it comes to its expiration date, nothing can revoke it. You have to end things with that person because I believe, we are at the junction of a life path that we both can no longer shared.

And walking with the new path, I found someone. He was a fucked up himself and through the road we shared alot things and funny, we had alot in commons too (emotionally and life views). He said this along the path 'our ugly circumstances had brought us close and I don't mind it'

People were questioning of how fast I replaced my relationship. Yes, I replaced the relationship but I never replace anyone. Mr Proud is my friend now. I just chuckled of their lack of understanding how long my husband and I broke up emotionally. Shared laughters and frequent hugs and kisses didn't translate how hungry both of us for an emotional bond for we both spoke different languages.

Mr Proud loves gaming and I love it too

Mr Proud loves Marvel and I love it too

Mr Proud loves traveling and I love it too

Mr Proud loves food and I love it too

Mr Proud, he's an engineer and I wasn't

I am an artist who lost, looking for a torch to shine me and Mr Proud, he is a man who is looking for a land. He needs a ground to root him down whilst I want to fly, soaring for the sky.

And I found my bird. My mon canard I called him.

He loves Francisco Goya and I love Vincent Van Gogh

He loves black and I love rainbows

Mon Canard, he's a film director and I'm a novelist

Now, I wonder, why people says the opposite gonna attract...

or it is because of art that binds us together?

In this vast and desolate universe, my soul yearns for the gravitational pull of your presence, for without you, I am but a lost star — Mon Canard

Hope this is my new beginning that I've been waiting for

So chaiyok! Pray for me. Thank you.

***

P/S : Al-fatihah to my ex, Dr. Zuki/Dr. Rain, a very dedicated orthopaedist. May your soul rests in peace sayang. You did it.

"Rashid tu haritu dia masuk group dia kata dia ada tugas kat sini"

"Dia kata dia nak bgtau rain meninggal"

"Kalau rosek cari makna saya dah tak ada kat dunia ni"

Since he flew back to Dubai last year, I haven't heard about him and now he's gone. The last message he gave me was, 'saya sayang awak' and a song; Imran Ajmain - Seribu tahun. He loves that song. 💔

AL FATIHAH