Just a Few Changes (will Keep you Safe) by Blueseabird2

Chapter 1: Trouble

Notes:

not all the ages and timelines for the older generation will match, please attribute that to alternate dimension shenanigans. Thanks!
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Harry slammed into the table and slid about ten feet along the wood, knocking off goblets and plates with enough noise to silence the entirety of Hogwarts.

Because he was in Hogwarts, despite having no plans to visit the school that day. Only Hogwarts had tables quite this long. The ringing silence being slowly overtaken by whispers was also pretty unique to a bunch of students who'd been shocked silent for all of a single moment. And then there was the stew in Harry's hair; he'd never been able to replicate the taste of Hogwarts stew and he'd certainly tried.

So yes, Harry was in Hogwarts. Which wasn't great, because consent was important for travel plans and being magically teleported by a mysterious green portal was never going to be great, but overall Hogwarts was better than many other options. Like a cave full of inferi. Or the Dursley's. Or the Arctic Ocean.

Harry felt his lower back throb where each metal cup had clipped his spine and groaned, but still refused to open his eyes. If he couldn't see the many wands pointed his direction, then they didn't exist. Instead he reached underneath himself, removed a goblet digging into his hipbone and set it gently on the table with a quiet thump.

"I'm sorry for ruining your dinner," Harry said to whomever happened to be near. He still didn't open his eyes to confirm. Confirming meant he had to plan and he didn't want to plan. He wanted his back to stop hurting. That couldn't possibly be too much to ask.

"It-it's alright?" The voice was young, possibly not a first year, but certainly no more than third.

Harry hummed. "I don't believe you. But I appreciate the lie."

Before he continue a conversation that he had honestly no idea how to complete, there was a series of other thumps that sent a vibration or two through the table under his back. One was gentle, but solid, and the other happened in two quick beats, like a foot then a knee hitting the wood.

"Did you," Harry asked the darkness of his eyelids, knowing the answer but wanting the words said for future teasing purposes, "really just jump through a portal of dubious criminal origins and no confirmed output location just because I got pushed through?"

"Yes," Hermione declared even as he listened to the sound of her steps as she strolled down the table (of course she'd landed on her feet) and felt the cool jasmine dust of her magic wash over him. There was a shifting sound and he imagined some of the teachers or older students had been about to protest her use of magic, before recognizing the clear diagnostic incantations she was directing Harry's way.

Ron shifted, and Harry could pictured his crouched form clearly, one knee down for balance, yet ready to shift whichever way was needed. He'd stay low to reduce the intimidation factor as well, since he towered over people even without standing on a table.

"Harry, mate, you should know that's how this works by now. You get into trouble, we follow, and we all get out. It'd be stupid to mess with something that works."

Harry hummed in acknowledgement but threw an arm over his eyes.

He could feel Hermione and Ron exchanging a look. "So, Harry, mate, best friend o'mine. Have you actually looked at the trouble you've landed in this time? Because, I got to admit, it's a bit of a doozy."

"Nope."

Hermione sighed, or maybe it was Ron. Their sighs were starting to sound awfully similar. Maybe it was a couple thing? Harry was pretty sure the student who was sitting closest to his head suppressed a laugh.