I'll Love You Slow

Chapter Two

In the year since I met him, I have never thought of Philip Walsh as a quiet man, or even as an intimidating one despite knowing what he does for work because he's very good at separating that from who he is as a person. While he might be powerful and while he might commit crimes that are unspeakable, he's never once been someone who is cruel or vicious for no reason - he's never been cold to me or to Esme, he's treated us both like family and opened his doors to us, and in many ways, he's my best friend in the entire world at this point...

Today is the first time that I have ever seen him silent as he's gripping onto his steering wheel, his hands wringing on the leather, his jaw set and eyes facing forward... And I can't help but feel like he's mad at me, and he has every reason to be - I should have seen the signs, especially after going through them myself. I should have known that Esme was suffering the same fate that I was but I couldn't see it because I was so convinced that since I was taking the brunt and the bulk of the abuse from Luis that he wouldn't go after Esme.

I stupidly thought that her being half his DNA would stop him from touching her in any capacity... But the hospital trip showed me just how wrong I was.

Scarring, evidence of tearing, chlamydia... I'm still waiting for the results of the drug test, but from the panicked way that Esme was reacting, I can make a wild guess as to where Luis's opioids have been going... He was probably feeding them to her to keep her compliant, which is fucking disgusting... I had to leave the room to vomit more than once, and each time Ese would apologize profusely, she would say that she'd make it up to me, that she was sorry she didn't tell me sooner...

I didn't know how to express to her that she had nothing to be sorry for - she was a kid who had trusted her father with her life, which was something that she was supposed to do... She'd clearly told someone about it, which was good... But she was too scared to tell me... I kept asking her why, and the only thing that she could say was 'I didn't want him to hurt you.'

That made me sick... He'd used me as leverage so that he could play his sick fucking games with his own child... and here's the thing: It's an honest fucking threat. He'd kill me in a heartbeat, I'd realized that two years ago when he'd held a gun to my head and cocked it when I'd refused to have sex with him for the millionth time... only putting it down when Esme walked into the room... His eyes had been cold, full of hatred for me, something I knew that he had.

Luis Panchek had killed before - he reminded me every day that he'd killed plenty of times while he was on active duty, that it was nothing to him, that part of him wanted to see the life leave my eyes... That he'd do the same to Esme once he was done with me if I didn't behave and that terrified me to my core.

I wouldn't have cared if he killed me if Esme was safe... But she wasn't.

I should've known that she never was in that house... And that ws probably what Phil was thinking too. I cleared my throat and looked at him, but he kept his eyes trained forward.

"I know what you probably think about me now, and I understand if you don't want me around," The second those words left my mouth, he pulled the car to a screeching halt, putting his arm out across my chest to keep me from careening forward before clearing his throat so that I could look at him.

There were tears in his eyes, that was what took me by surprise... Tears in his eyes, his chin trembling, his expression horrified... And that was when it clicked.

He wasn't putting up a wall because he was mad... He was putting one up because he was trying not to stress me out further.

"Gia..." He took one of my hands in both of his before bending his head and lifting it, pressing his forehead against it as he spoke. "I am not mad at you... The horrors that that man put you through are unfathomable to me, and it is completely unthinkable what he did to Esme... Before she alluded to it, I never would've thought that a father could look at his daughter in that way. I'm not surprised that you didn't see it, I'm angry at myself for not stepping in sooner... And I'm feeling a deep amount of shame and regret at the fact that I didn't kill that bastard when I had the chance." He said, which confused me... When had Phil ever had the chance to kill him?