memento vivere - supernatural & criminal minds

chapter 32

Chapter 32
The Inherent Absence of Light

The first time Spencer snapped at Jude, she thought nothing of it. By the second time, the rest of the team had also fallen victim to his new volatility. After the third incident, she cradled her fears in her hands and brought them to Gideon. He corroborated what she already believed, that the trauma from his experience with Tobias Hankel was gnawing at him. He also put forth a theory of his own - Dilaudid. It was the drug Tobias had used to escape his father's abuse and repeatedly dosed Spencer with. Jude had not seen it, but Spencer's combative behavior had all the earmarks of addiction.

Now the junior and senior agents traversed the acrid alleys of New Orleans at night. They had just closed a case there that Spencer was mysteriously absent for most of. For the past few days, his volatility had transitioned to silence. Gideon decided that this had gone for long enough and pulled Jude aside at the police station. He asked if she had heard from Spencer. When she said no, he simply pushed open the door and indicated that she should follow.

"Where are we going?" Jude asked, her nose wrinkling at the scent of bile and alcohol that lingered in the sidewalk cracks.

"A jazz club. I had Garcia track his phone."

"And that's not an invasion of privacy?"

"I don't see you turning back." 

They dropped into silence the rest of the way. When they reached the jazz club, Jude entered the leather and silk-wrapped establishment first. Candlelight flickered through a smoky haze that smelled faintly of floral perfume. The clatter of the streets was replaced by piano music. Jude recognized the man at the keys.

"I'm glad he's found something that makes him happy." Spencer looked up as the members of his team slid into the plush chairs on either side of him. "Ethan, right?" He nodded. "I remember he was a friend of yours at the academy, but he quit after the first day. He said he wasn't fit for this life." She tucked her legs under her, studying Spencer in the dim light. "You're beginning to doubt if you are."

"How-"

"You've snapped at me more in the past few weeks than you have in three years. You're pulling away from the team. I don't think I've seen you smile in ages."

For a beat, there was only the delicate hum of the music. Then Spencer looked at his hands and confessed, "I'm struggling."

Gideon inclined his head. "Anybody who's been through what you've been through recently would be."

"This was all I was prepared for. I never even...considered another option. Now I don't know if this was the right choice."

Gideon met Jude's eyes before he spoke as if asking to go first. She nodded. He had more experience than her, and though she knew exactly how Spencer felt, there was very little about her own past she could put forward. She had spent more of her life feeling conflicted and fractured than she cared to think about. Now she drifted between two lives and faced nightmares in both of them. Fear and doubt were commonplace.

She brought herself back into the conversation in time to hear Spencer say, "I guess I've just been trying to figure out if I could step away from this job." Before he continued, Spencer turned to Jude. His eyes asked her to weigh in. 

She wrapped her arms around herself, holding her tattoo against her chest, and made an attempt. "I took this job to help people. In a sense, I've also been preparing for it my whole life. I don't think I could step away unless something was pulling me. But for now, I'm content being held here."

The corner of Spencer's mouth turned up in what was almost a smile. "So am I. But it's more than the job, it's..."

"The Dilaudid," Jude finished. Spencer's folded hands clenched in his lap. "Don't question how we know. Just let us help you." She looked at Gideon and smiled. "I have it under good authority that we're decent at it."