The Forbidden Love

Stolen Dream

The winter break continued and was flying by too fast, I wasn't ready to end the year. I had the best days in those where I had the chance to be with him and again it was too good to be true, but after all I wanted to leave this year behind my back, all of the bad things that has happened, I wanted to burn them and forget them forever.

It was around Friday again, I would go ice skating, then go back home. I felt really sick, but I got better by the next day. I was pretty busy preparing for the New Year and I was cooking all kinds of meals again. I got this sinking feeling inside of me, 'What if something goes wrong?'. I didn't know, but I had a strange feeling, everything was way too good to be true. I could barely touch my phone, because I was so busy trying to finish everything in time. I missed him a lot. Only a few hours were left of the year. I was so happy to end and go to the new year with him. I would end up sending a whole paragraph how much I felt for him and how much I appreciated everything. It was late. I have fallen asleep by 3 a.m., I wasn't tired, perhaps it was the champagne I would drink knocked me out. For the rest of the week, we would talk and play a game. We were definitely good at it, yet I lost a lot of times, however it was full of enjoyment, I really had a lot of fun. I would enjoy anything that was with him. Distance didn't matter, everything was if I stepped into heaven.

It was January, we had to go back to school, I had a lot coming up, but I didn't mind anything, I knew I was going to face everything and get through it pretty well. Our 4th month anniversary was coming up, yet I never really mentioned any of them to him. I was just happy to have him overall. I appreciated every moment we spent together. February was coming up, which mean the first week of it, it was actually my semester break. He has gotten dry again, but I didn't have any particular reason to mention it, by the time I have got used to it and I accepted that they happened. Everything was pretty much fine for a while. I still remember the night when he told me these.

'I love you all of you, I swear I mean it!'

'I'm not sharing, you are mine, only mine. I love you and only you!'

'I would love to fall in love with you billions of times'

'You are the cutest, most loving, most beautiful person I have ever met. I love you soooo fucking much okayy'

'I fucking love you like really love you like I'm really in with like deeply in love with you, I love you soooo much.'

'Hi, I actually missed you so much. I know this is random, but I really love you.'

My favourite messages, how could I ever forget them. Mockexam season for him, revising again. We would spend less time together, but I wasstill there for him and I would wait for him, no matter how long he would take,the only thing that mattered was that I will be with him soon. I would motivateand be his biggest 'cheerleader', I knew he could do it, no matter how much hedidn't believe, I prayed for him every day, mentioning him in my prayers,hoping he will absolutely smash everything that comes in his way. I wanted tobe his bigger supporter, even if I failed and hurt him sometimes, I had reallyno intention in doing that, but we are humans, we make mistakes and will makemany more in the future, however it doesn't define us completely. I was reallyproud of him, even if I didn't tell him every day. Marchwas near here and I was really happy for some reason, but my happiness couldn'tlast long. I would talk to him, yet I felt as he was more far away from me and ifI couldn't reach him, no matter how hard I tried. He has gotten a bit dry anddistant, which I would normally understand, but I felt if something was morethan wrong. A Wednesday, where my whole life would turn upside down again. Iwould text if he wanted to leave he should, I can't forever make him stay. Onthe day, we would end everything we had, I felt heartbroken, yet I had toaccept the truth. I didn't know it would be so hard to let go someone forever.We could have been friends, but for some reason I denied it, I didn't wantthat, I knew it was going to hurt me either ways, if we can't be together, thenI would rather leave. I bunked classes, because I was crying me heart out. Icouldn't process what just has happened. I didn't know anything and how hardthis could turn out. My eyes adored him, but it's my soul that fell in love with him. He was my favorite. My favorite pair of eyes to look into. My favorite name to see appear on my phone. My favorite way to spend an afternoon. He was my favorite everything. I had good days and bad days, therefore no matter what, on both i was thinking of him. I loved him with a deeper love than any human heart has ever known, I loved him with a soul that has lived a thousand lifetimes, always waiting to meet him again, so I could have promised to be his forever. Falling for him was like falling down the stairs. I was in complete control at first, then tumblith and had no idea why or how, then before I even knew what happened, I lay at the bottom, shocked, stunned and so oddly aware that I still ended up exactly where I was trying to go. I wanted him in the bluntest way. I wanted his lips, his hands, his arms. I wanted him the way the ocean wants the shore, constantly reaching and running back. I wanted him the way rain wants to fall, the way the sun wants to shine, the way words want to be read. I wanted him to infinity, to the millionth degree, no amount of rain could douse the fire I had in me for him. I hope he remembers what we went through. I hope he remembers everything we were. All those texts and i love you more fights. I hope he knows those meant everything to me. He was the reason I got up out of bed to check my phone and see if he texted. The reason I would laugh non stop and keep smiling. The reason I ever even believed in myself. He gave me confidence, he gave me happiness and most importantly he gave me love. Now for once I'm not typing an 'I miss him paragraph'. No. I'm typing a ' thank you' paragraph. Thanks to him for the best months of my life, for all the memories that i have now and for showing me who I am and who I can be. I love him. I still haven't stopped loving him. I hope he thinks of me and remembers how badly I cared. I'm sorry we didn't work out, I am so glad we had the chance to be in love and I hope he thinks of me sometimes. At least for as long as I think, but still, also thanks to him for showing me who I can truly be with or without him. I will never forget him, as he was my bestfriend and my everything. I loved him like I didn't love anything else. I still wish I could turn back everything or find a way to stay together with him, all the promises, all the sweet thing, everything was deleted from the moment we were no longer a thing. I don't have regrets, yet I still feel guilt in me, maybe I shouldn't have agreed when we were about to start the relationship. I wish I knew earlier. I destroyed his life, just by simply making him stay with me. He broke my heart into million pieces, yet I could never blame him. He is still everything to me, I still love him with all my strength I have and will always do, just as I promised, whether I have to do it from a distance or not. Just the thought of that he will be with someone else shatters my heart. I wished everything we talked about would happen, but with me and him. Everything we have said to each other, everything we imagined, everything we wanted, they were just gone. I miss us. I miss what we had. I'm not sure whether I will ever be able to come over with this. I still think about the very first times, the night we met, the first 'I love you' fight, when we were inseparable, where we couldn't exist without each other, where the nights were filled with joy, happiness and love. I know everything has a reason, so does this, still I crave him back. I want to experience his love again, I want to love him again, I want to say 'I love you so much', 'I miss you a lot, I hope we can be together soon'. I miss all the old times, I miss him, although I have him, he never left me as a person, but at that day, something has broken inside me. No matter what, as long as I'm alive, I will work on finding a solution. He loves me somewhat, so do I, he needs me so do I, I understand the pain he feels, along with all the regrets he has, I just wanted to thank him for showing me a beautiful side of this, I do really appreciate that he has come so far for a person like me, I appreciate his patience and effort he has ever put, in order to be with me, along breaking rules, I'm sorry that I put him in a situation like that, yet its none of our fault, this wasn't supposed to happen, I wasn't supposed to love him like this so was he, he means more to me than I ever expected...I will love you regardless, whether I have to do it in silence or not, I will never ever forget him and all the beautiful memories we had, I will lock it into my heart and throw the key away. Back to the point theoretically, he is the controller of his brain and feelings, I can never decide forhim, neither tell him to go against everyone nor convince, that's wrong, but if he does it, then we are doing it together, I still don't mind going against the whole world. Him and I, against the world. He understood me in a way no one else did, even if our world views were fundamentally different, when I wasn't with him, I wished he was here and when I was with him, I wanted that moment to last forever, he made me want to be a better person and when I think about a world where he doesn't exist at all...I want to burn every inch of it to the ground. He filled a part of my soul I always thought would be empty, he healed scars I never knew existed, therefore I realised, its not that I didn't believe in true love before, it's that I was saving it all for you, even if I knew it was wrong, I totally understand that what he has done for me was beyond anything, he can't neither go against the rules.

I may never find words beautiful enough to describe all that he meant to me, but I will spend the rest of my life searching for them, even if what I'm going to do is wrong. All I can say lastly that, whenever I saw him, the world stopped and all that existed for me was him and my eyes staring from a distance. There was nothing else, no noise, no other people, no other thoughts or worries. No yesterday, no tomorrow. The world just stopped and it was a beautiful place and there was only him.