In Between

This isn't who we are part 2/2

Taylor didn't know how to feel. 

In the months that she and Travis had been together they had rarely so much as disagreed. For all his bravado and fire on the football field, at home with her he was even-keeled with patience that rivaled a saint. 

Evidently that patience had waned. 

She found herself alone in the bathroom of the bedroom she shared with him when she was visiting, tears streaming down her face and feeling for the first time in their relationship like maybe she didn't really know him at all. 

Maybe it had been unfair of her to bring up things she saw online. She herself often found herself wishing people would ignore the often made up headlines and stories about her that frequented tabloid articles. But this felt different. 

Seeing evidence that someone he had once shared so much time with, whom he had loved, bashing her online and implying that he still reached out to her stung. Realistically, she knew that more than a bit of her insecurity in the situation was due to how things had ended with Joe. You didn't get cheated on by the man you thought you'd marry, a man you'd given six years of your life to, and walk away without your fair share of trauma. Her last relationshp had done a number on her and maybe she hadn't been clear enough with Travis about how deep those wounds ran. 

When she finally collected herself enough to at least momentarily staunch the flow of tears she washed her face in the sink, refusing to look into the mirror. She didn't want to see what she looked like. She didn't want to even acknowledge that this was happening. For months now she'd lived in some kind of dream like state where she and Travis fit together so seemlessly it had seemed like nothing could ever go wrong. Now she felt cracks in that facade and she didn't want to give it anymore validity than necessary. 

She opened the door that led to the bedroom at the same time he entered from the hallway. There eyes met, green staring into blue, and she didn't miss the way his face fell slightly at the sight of her before he averted her gaze. 

Good. She wanted him to know she was hurt. 

They stayed like that, standing ten feet apart and feeling world farther. Neither one of them seemed to want to speak first. Really, neither of them knew what to say. 

"This isn't us. This isn't who we are." It was Travis who finally broke the spell of silence. 

Whatever it was she thought he would say first, it hadn't been that and she felt her chest deflate further. She wanted him to apologize. She wanted him to acknowledge that she had tried to open up to him about an insecurity, even if it was one he had heard before, it hadn't just gone away. 

"Maybe it is, though." She finally replied. "Maybe as much as I'd like to always project that I'm completely confident and secure there's always a nagging thought in the back of my mind that you could wake up and decide one day that you want something different. Or that you would want to return to something you've had before."

"Taylor you can't live your life waiting for the other shoe to drop." He said quickly, barely letting her finish her sentence. 

"That's got to be a lot easier for you to say when you haven't spent years doing exaclty that." She felt like a sail boat in a windless sea. Cast out and left without any contol of the situation. "I don't know Travis, maybe I haven't been clear about the way Joe destroyed me. We've avoided talking too much about our previous partners but maybe it's time we have a really fucking frank discussion. I know that you and her were on and off again. I guess you can say Joe and I were the same, but I wasn't the one who was indecisive. I watched as someone I loved with every part of me weighed the options on if I was good enough, worthy enough of his love. I made myself small and put my own wants and needs aside because I was afraid if he deemed me unworthy it made it so. I wasted so much time I can never get back on someone who not only made me question every part of myself, but who didn't even have enough digity or respect for me to look me in the eye and end it. No, he played the coward's way out and moved on, just forgot to tell me. So I'm sorry if I maybe need a little more reassurance than you're willing to give. I'm sorry if maybe the thoughts in my head get a little too loud sometims and I start to wonder if you'll do the same. If in six months or six fucking years you'll decide you've had enough of the fishbowl and I'll be left to try to pick up the pieces again."

She was sobbing by the time she was done. Her whole body felt raw, like she had laid herself bare for him.

"Taylor..." He said her name so soft and sweet that as he stepped towards her she couldn't help but allow him to wrap her up in the safety of his arms. They embraced for a moment before he pulled back just slightly, he took her chin in his palm forcing her eyes to lock on his. "I want you to listen to me when I say this. I love you. Not in a half-assed only in the good times way. In an I'm going to be there for you in the good times and the bad times. I jumped feet first into this life with you and I don't for a minute regret that nor take it forgranted. But Tay, I won't spend my whole life defending myself against the actions of a man that isn't me. You asked me not to judge you for things you can't control online and I need that reciprocated. You've got to trust me, if we don't have that we don't have anything. I can reassure you until I'm blue in the face but it all boils down to that. If you can't learn to trust me..and I'm not saying that's something that will happen overnight or that has to, but you've got to give me the benefit of the doubt and when I tell you I love you, that I choose you, you have to believe me. If you can't give me that how can we have a hope at a future?"

His voice broke as he finished and she took in a ragged breath. 

"I want to trust you..."

"I know baby. And I get that must be hard. I'm not trying to make light of what you've been through. God knows if I ever see him face to face I may not be able to control myself but you can't punish me for what he did. I'm not him baby. What we have is special and I'm choosing it. Every day. Because you're worth it. You've got to decide if I am."

His uncertainty cut through her and she realized that for all the insecurities she held, he had his own. It wouldn't always be easy, but she didn't have a doubt in her mind that he would always be worth it and it was with that in mind she finally released a breath and leaned into him. His lips pressed against hers an indescibable kind of perfect. The forever kind.