Dictionary poetry

Abandon - Admire

A chapter that covers topics of social connection and isolations along with themes of psychosis (hallucinations). This chapter plays with the views and feelings of different characters.
TW: psychosis, hallucinations, isolation, alienation, break ups

Abandon // Rowan
In the story I tell myself when I am staring at the ceiling alone in multiple facets of darkness, I abandon the idea that I have to stop being sick to be lovable.
It's loud in here, in this empty bedroom, and I want my skin to be tighter and I want myself to be made of a different composition than I am. I see a future where I am still sick and I call it my happy ending.
It's not there yet, but maybe one day if something good happens to someone who tries to deserve it I will know this peace.
You, the you who I have never met, will love me even when I am scared, shaking, and senseless. I hold these memories of the future.
I watch myself in my bedroom, our bedroom, even, I am holding myself and rocking myself slowly with a blank yet wide eyed look on my face.
"Hey Rowan, are you alright?" I can't hear you but you find your way to me.
"Talk to me, say whatever you need to."
You, amazing you, you love me, you do not view me as hard to hold even when I am refusing your touch.
I am allowed to be whatever I am with you.
"It's scary in here."
You are calm and you do not look at me like I am something to be feared.
"What is scaring you?"
"The things that walk around in the room when it's dark outside."
I point to our doorway. "Do you see him?"
You shake your head, "No, it's just us from my eyes."
"Do you hear people talking? They say weird things."
"I don't hear anyone but us, but it sounds very scary."
"It is."
You climb into bed and you know how to hold and love me when I am fearful.

Abase // Jason
I tried to hide it but it bleeds through my clothes.
"Who are you talking to?" "Why are you rocking yourself?" "What are you looking at?"
I remember her. I don't know where she came from, she was one of the good ones. Right?
"What's your name?" It's quiet for a long moment. "Is it okay if I sit here? I can go sit at another lunch table if you'd like."
There began the quiet friendship that made school just breathable. I never said much, I don't know what I could have spoken of, she defined me as a listener rather than a talker, and I listened.
We were both hurting in different ways, our pain looked unlike each other but was an agreement we shared.
It was beautiful to not be alone, it was something treasured, I was looking for it my whole life. I adored her.
It's English class and I sit next to her, she smiles at me and begins talking about how much she hates the assigned reading. This is something pure and pale yellow.
"Jason and Madeline!" I awkwardly and methodically step my way into the front of the classroom.
I stare at the floor, I can feel my heart racing in my chest. I see him slide his pitch black hands down my arms, and he laughs at me, "Oh Jason."
I shake my head. "No! Not right now. Get out! Get out!" I slide down the wall onto the cold floor. "Get off of me, get off of me!" I fold in on myself. "Stop it! Stop it!"
No one was there.
The lunch table is empty again.
It always felt bigger than me, I never wanted it to be true, but when you are ill people will tell you without their words.
I never wanted to wear it, to be this, but I cannot always sew the fabric together before it all comes spilling out.
I am not a person to those I know, just some strange kid who lurks in the hallways and mumbles to himself.
I always wanted to be a part of the world but I won't pretend I can be.

Aberrant // Charlie
I walk through the grocery store, it's crowded and loud and I hate it.
I try to be like I should, to buy bread and apples like a normal person.
I realize I have the eyes-glazed-over, wide eyed fear about me again. I'm mumbling to myself, aren't I?
I resist the urge to respond to people that aren't there, I resist the urge to take off my shirt and press it against the cold freezer door.
"Charlie, you need to leave, you need to get out of here."
"Stop, you're going to scare him."
"Charlie get out! Get the fuck out of here!"
"Charlie, do you see me, I'm right there. I'm waiting for you."
"Stand up straight, stop looking so scared. Do you even try to look normal?"
I stop in space and time. It's hard to be human when things exist in this fashion. I remain still in the middle of the aisle.
"Move! Jesus man you can't just stay here."
"I'm waiting for you, right around the corner, do you miss me?"
"You're scaring people Charlie. Stop it."
"Don't be mean to him, he's trying."
"He's not trying hard enough, is he?"
I feel my face become hot and my vision become blurry.
"Guys, be quiet, please, I'm at the store." I whisper to myself frantically.
"Do you really think asking has ever helped?"
"You're such a fucking idiot."
"Those people are laughing at you, you know that right?"
"You're going to scare him."
"Shut up! Jesus Christ be quiet!"
"All eyes are on you now hun."
"You wear your crazy, you know that right?"
"Charlie, I told you you shouldn't stay here."
"Get out, get out, get out!"
I fold in on myself in the middle of the aisle. "Stop it, stop it, please!"
I watch as my body falls onto the cold floor and rocks itself frantically.
A kind woman with kinky black hair walks up to me. "Are you okay honey?"
I look for the words but I cannot find them.
"Come with me, let's go outside and get some water."
I stumble through the store holding her hand, walking behind her like a child. She looks back at me.
"You're going to be okay sweetheart."
I smile and nod. Maybe I will be.
"What's going on honey?"
I look everywhere but her. "I am, um, schizophrenic."
"Do I need to call someone for you sweetie?"
I shake my head.
"Well, at least take some water." She hands me a plastic water bottle, I open it and pour it on my face. She smiles at me.
"You're going to find your way. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
I hug her tightly. "I love you." I leave.