You're Falling Hard, I Push Away, I'm
Feelin' Hot To The Touch. You Say You miss
Me And I Wanna Say I Miss You So Much
West Coast / Lana Del Rey
★
I Meant "Don't Go", It came Out As
"Goodbye" You Said "Fine", When You Should've Said, "Or We Could Try?"
Yoko / Maisie Peters
PART I . [ 2011-2012 ] I Wish I Could Un-Recall How We Almost Had It All
A fire is warm despite how it's started. Electric sparks of first touches, heated backstage kisses, gasoline hearts set ablaze with the first "I love you"s exchanged ... the curse of self destruction, everything they had built burnt to ash, emotional arson. Tearing down the frame of their love affair for spare wood to throw onto the pile. Salvaging the parts of her not devoted to him for the next person to ignite.
It's better to be the heart breaker than the broken hearted. That was Lila Rodgers' philosophy. It's why, when Alex Turner feels like her future, she saves him the trouble and flees the scene. A short goodbye, a poor excuse for leaving. She was so cautious that it became reckless. Worried that she's not an angel, she reserved a seat in the inferno. Predicting a tragedy, she abandons the ships even though it's approaching the dock.
She'd rather be the problem by choice than accident — safe than sorry.
She was starry-eyed, fast pulsed, knee weak when she first met him, in the haze of his cigarette smoke. Bad ideas happen after midnight and this was her worst one. He looked like a classic rock song. He was a sinful, heaven-sent, temptation. He smelt like Marlboros, leather and mistakes. A modern day James Dean, with dreamy eyes.
If she had known it was all a facade she would've never gotten involved. She signed up for a reckless night with a self centred rockstar. A story to fill uncomfortable silences. A dinner party tale. Usually they never had a good personality when they looked religiously attractive. She didn't expect him to give her a first thought, never mind a second. Feelings hadn't crossed her mind. The situation seemed clear, a one night fling, but signs are hard to see when you're light headed with desire.
She tried to end it after that night. She threw away the folded hotel note with his number on it.
Then it happened again. A question asked through eye contact, signals sent. Drinks abandoned and a taxi called. One night turned into two .. then three. It wasn't her fault that she was at his mercy when he said her name like it was a prayer. He showed her affection so delicate she couldn't resist. She'd let him do anything to her ... except love her. Especially when he offered it so sincerely. She never asked him to do that — she didn't want it. She wanted attention not romance.
He saw forever, she was evanescent. Their involvement was already condemned to tender nostalgia. From the moment they met he was planning vows and she was planning goodbyes.
She told him she didn't want anything serious, it wasn't the right time and there might never be one. She should've stayed. He replied saying he would wait (she told him not to), he kissed her and said she knew where to find him. He should've fought.
PART II . [ 2016 — ... ] Started With A Kiss, "Oh We Must Stop Meeting Like This"
It was meant to be goodbye. She was meant to forget him. Neither of those things happened.
