Siren Suicides (Second Edition)

Chapter 18. Mount Rainier

Memories refuse to appear. There is nothing there. It's like I've been gutted of my past and there is only now. Only Hunter's eyes, blue and scary in their determination. And my own fear; fear of letting him go, fear of not succeeding at killing myself, of being left alone, to suffer for who knows how long.

"Why?" I ask. Now that we're away from danger, or at least there is an illusion of being away from danger, suddenly I don't want him to die, maybe don't even want to die myself.

His voice is tired. "What changed? You promised me. If you go, I go. Unless we decide how we do it, somebody will decide for us. Like those siren girlfriends of yours. You see what I mean?" he says.

"You're right," I admit.

"When you jumped off the bridge—I hope you take this the right way—I was jealous. Jealous of your...how do I call it? Well, it was a brave thing to do, it took serious guts."

"Suicide is not about bravery." I glare.

"Hang on, just let me finish. What I'm saying is, it gave me the boost I needed. A kick in the ass, in a way. I've thought about...taking my life for a couple of years now—when my mom got cancer, and again when Dad left. Anyway, I came close, but chickened out at the last minute." He falls silent.

"You never told me," I say, shocked.

"Of course I didn't. I didn't want to freak you out."

"What exactly did you do?" I ask.

"I stole a bike and rode it really fast." He grins.

"Jesus. You did? For real?"

"Yeah. It was awesome, at first. Then I was turning and I lost control. Out of the blue, the stupid back tire decided to lock up," he waves his arms showing me how far he was leaning and how fast the tires were spinning, "and I skidded for a few feet and rode into a ditch. Thank God it was simply dirt and not rocks or something. I left the bike and hiked home. It took me three hours, lots of time to think about lots of things. After that, I was too afraid to try it again." He plays with my fingers, pressing them like piano keys.

"And you were never found out? Whose bike was it?" I ask.

"I dunno. Just some bike off the street. I hot-wired it."

"Figures. So you lied to me. When I asked you if you ever thought about killing yourself."

"Well, I just, ah...evaded the question. Sorry." He hangs his head for a while, and then looks back up. "Does this mean you're up for it, then?"

"I jumped, didn't I?" I motion with my head toward the lake. "That was suicide attempt number two for me. No, wait—three. Four? I don't even know what number it was, to be honest. I lost count. I guess I'm game. What else can we do? If you go, I go." I shrug my shoulders.

"Awesome," Hunter says and kisses me, as if I just agreed to go on an amusement park ride with him and not on a ride to extinction.

A wild surge of feelings spins my head and I have no room for a single breath, gulping his warm presence like a starving, caged animal that was thrown a bone for the first time in days. The echo of Hunter's burning soul envelops me, melts me.

We part, panting, electrified.

Hunter's face is contorted in a menacing rage. He quickly forces it down and smiles. I mirror him back.

There will be no happy times, after all. There is no way for us to be together. There is no other way out. So be it.

This dare to death itself fills me with a strange excitement. It's something I finally have control over. I hope I can shriek so loudly that my voice will pass the speed of sound and I'll simply explode. Wouldn't that be something?