As human beings, we spend our entire life searching for and pursuing our purpose in life. Our identity is the core foundation of the search to life’s meaning and for many, identity consisted of where they come from, what they’re good at and where they feel most at home.
My values had always been all of that and much, much for. My quest for where I most felt at home was still ongoing.
The truth is: I’m lost. I don’t think I have a home. For the longest time, I’d tired to find home in my family. Although my father’s love was abundant for me, I’d yearned for that same love from my grandmother.
As a child, it was all I’d ever wanted. I remember instances where after my dad and Tannie Héloise had left us at Ouma’s, she always treated me differently to my cousins.
Ouma would treat Chloe and David with more affection than she ever treated me with: she always used to watch Teletubbies with Chloe perched on her lap and David glued to her side and I’d be on the far end of the couch. Ouma hardly ever smiled at me when I was alone with her and as a child, it confused me so much.
Dad always used to talk about how sweet and kind of a woman his mother was and how much of a great childhood he’d had with her but that same energy had never been shown to me.
Everyone else at school also spoke about how amazing their grandmothers were.
As I got older, I got the feeling that Ouma perhaps didn’t like me and I’d tried to act like it didn’t affect me. I didn’t think I was doing a good job of it, because I always sulked at family gatherings, I still spent some nights questioning my worth as a person because of this.
But now there was no denying the fact that Ouma didn’t like me, in fact, Ouma didn’t even see me as her grandchild. And I haven’t been the same since that Saturday two weeks ago.
My dad was worried and so was Manda because I was acting “off” and Anna kept on looking at me with these guilt stricken eyes every time she saw me.
I wanted to tell her that it wasn’t her fault that Ouma had said all those things to her, because it revealed how she truly felt about me. I no longer needed to speculate. The biggest mystery of my childhood had been solved.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
I was in the middle of my Math homework when I heard my father calling for me on Thursday evening. I trailed down the staircase and made my way into the living room. My dad was seated next to Anna and they both wore solemn expressions on their faces. For a moment, I wondered if Anna had told my dad about what Ouma had said and I felt my heart rate spiked.
