Half Alive

The Aftermath

In the morning Arran comes out to us. I don't know how he knows we were here, but I can only assume that it had something to do with Celia or Greatorex. He's got someone with him, which I don't like. Adele. I don't mind her, but I don't like others knowing about Gabriel and I's meeting place. My hand is reaching out to the Fairborn before I even know what I'm doing with myself, but I come up short as Gabriel puts his hand over mine to stop me.
He shakes his head, "It's just your brother, Nathan."
I looked down at the blade close to my hand. Would I really have jumped at Arran? I hope not.
"There are rumors that you both are dead, Nathan."
I look up at Arran now and I have to smile, "Dead? Nothing short of a miracle, that would take." But I'm thinking of Gabriel now. I was so close to losing him. I realize that I wasn't even concerned for my own death. It was like an afterthought.
Arran sits down at the sandy entrance of our cave. Adele sits too, though I'm not sure she looks very comfortable. He starts speaking about everything, what happened after the attack, what everyone is doing now, and Annalise. I hadn't really thought about her all that much. She got away. I should have killed her, but I couldn't. Part of me wanted to tear her apart and make her suffer like my father. That's what Marcus would've wanted me to do ..but the other side, my White side, says that I shouldn't kill her. That she's not worth it.
It occurs to me that Arran's lips are moving, and I should be listening to him. I don't want to dwell on my thoughts, so I listen.
Arran clears his throat. He'd been rambling up until this point, probably guessing I hadn't been paying him any attention. Now his words are more clear. He sees I'm looking at him, ready to hear. He starts, "Annalise is serving one year in prison for everything she's done."
And I want to wretch, "One year? That's it? One bloody, fucking year?"
He nods, "She's pregnant. It's yours."
I get up and go outside, cussing and throwing a tantrum. Childish, I know. I also don't care. The last thing I could ever want would be to have a child with her. Maybe Gabriel, but that's definitely not possible, and something tells me I shouldn't be entrusted with the safety of a kid.
Arran, Adele and Gab all leave me be. I'm kicking at rocks and plants and punching anything that looks remotely sturdy, and I can't stop. I know they're all watching me, mortified. I wish I had killed her now. How had I not noticed? She had to be several months in. I blame the blue. That shit fucked me up. And I hate to say it but I have to admit it, without Annalise I probably would have let Soul control me. But then we, the animal and me, we got smart and attacked.
I breathe flames and watch the plants around me wilt under the heat. A fire is starting to catch and I'm half tempted to help it burn but then there are two arms pulling me back and the flames are dying now and Gabriel is forcing me to look at him.
"Nathan, breathe." He's looking as me with such an intensity I think he's either gonna explode or start crying. And I don't want Gabriel to cry. I've only seen it once, when we were digging the grave, and even though it was raining I could see it clear as day. I know I never want to see tears in his eyes again. Not for anything, and definitely not for something else stupid I've done. So I breathe. I'm counting to ten breathing in, and breathing out to ten as well. We keep staring at each other. Just making eye contact with him calms me down and I know that I'll do better to look at him than to stare at the sky or the ground or whatever. I need to calm down, or I'm going to end up scaring Arran and Adele. I need to here what Arran has to say, whether I like it or not. And I guess now that my head is cleared, I'm seeing that I'm not upset for the reason I initially thought. I'm not really upset that I'm going to have a kid some day soon, but more about all the little things. Little things add up. I don't know if I want to see the kid or not, but I know that it's my kid and I should want to see it. But I don't really think I do. Seeing it means seeing Annalise, and that makes me gag. I also know what it feels like to not know your father, and I don't want that for my child. They should at least know I exist. But I don't know that I want them to know who I am. I've done horrible things. I know the war is over and we're all supposed to be living in some sort of harmony now, at least according Arran, but blood is blood and the kid will be more White Witch than Black. Will it hate me? What if Annalise teaches it to hate me? I don't blame her. I'd hate me too.
If I get to see the kid at all, or if I see it a lot, will it make Gabriel upset? I know he hates Annalise, almost more than I do. She..she kept me from seeing that I loved him. And it feels weird to say. Weird. But I do love him. I couldn't be without him. If the kid is around, it will remind him of her and that I had sex with her at one point in time. I know he'd pretend that he was okay, because he doesn't want me to be upset, but seeing my kid around would hurt him. I don't want Gabriel to hurt.
My head is spinning around with all these things, but I'm brought back to everything fast. Gabriel is lurching forward and his eyes are heavy. He falls into me and I catch him. I shouldn't have let him up yet, not when it hasn't even been a full day since he woke up. And he still hasn't ate. I'll have to make him eat later. I pick him up properly and carry him back to our cave. I lay him down as gently as I can and sit back down. Arran is looking bewildered, "Is he even human? He was half dead a few days ago, and now he's up and stopping you from being destructive. Most people can't do that on their best days."
I shrug, "He's Gabriel. That's good enough for me." And they don't question it.