remissio | forgiveness
In which forgiveness is asked for in the form a thought outpour.
To whom it may concern,
There is a great sense of relief in knowing that anonymity is granted for the both of us -- sender and recipient. Only now, after countless melancholic days and nights to myself alone have I mustered up the courage to pen down a small portion of what has been going on in my head, so please, bear with me.
So blithely have I disregarded you and your feelings, for selfishness is instilled in me. I'd apologise, but I too see this trait in you -- that is human nature; the way we work: desperately scrambling for some sense in the actions of others but rarely ever our own.
Emotionally, I am feeling a tad like paper: lightly-tinged and frayed round the edges, and vulnerable to being crumpled -- often empty, with the potential of being inked to the very last corner with amalgamations of dark thoughts and cheery ones alike. Even in the sweltering Malaysian heat, memories that are nothing short of cold would flood my mind and make me cringe, like the time I remembered smoking my first cigarette on a roof ever-grey, the smoke burning my lungs and tears stinging my eyes. In the peaceful quiet, with just the sounds of a light crackle and a slow exhale, I found not solace, but chaos.
I'd dared not tell you that the mere thought of you was the reason for that night of doubt and self-destruction, for I knew I'd be thought of as insouciant to your own troubles if I had. I saw the look in your eyes as you examined my bruised arm and dented wall, and in that moment too long I noticed that your eyes reflected everything mine did not -- emotion. Mine were vacant, my friend - I told you I was tired. After years of wracking my mind for an answer as to why this friendship of ours remains so volatile, I can finally say that I understand now.
I understand that w weren't destined to always be the cause of each other's mirthful laughter; that we made the choice of tearing each other apart, each time hoping to piece the other back up in an order considered slightly more perfect; that, despite my vexations with you, not a phrase in my bible of excuses can explain can this care of mine that is so deeply-rooted for you. I realise now this small bit of reality: that our loving care isn't -- nor will it ever be -- tender. It is with much regret that I inform you of the great discomfort that comes with this realisation.
However disturbed I am by all that has plagued my mind since we parted ways, I've decided to let go -- not of you, but of my woes, no matter how minute they may be. For the sake of progress I pray that you'll find moving on from your fair share of rues to be kinder than solitude. I may not have kept all the promises made to you in this short a lifetime -- surely there may be little reason for you to trust me when I say this -- but I know for a fact that I mean every word: I promise you that your soul is more beautiful than the silence I crave when my thoughts tear my mind asunder. You -- the one who pulls me out of the dark abyss I find myself so blindly plunging into now and again. One day your eyes will scintillate like the stars in the night sky full of glistening charm, but until then I will settle for your chocolate sea, and that soulful glimmer of hope for happiness that your tired eyes betray.
Dear reader, I've no intention to lie to you. I'm not saying that you and I are okay; I'm saying that in time, we will be.
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A/N: I haven't posted a new addition to Muse since 2014, and for that I'm truly sorry. In the past two years I have lost the motivation to write and the passion to read, but after writing this on a whim I've rediscovered my love for books and thoughtful words.
Wattpad has really changed, and it will take some time for me to adapt, so to all my online friends who are reading this, thank you for sticking by me through all these years.
I hope this piece made you feel something. Here's to more stories to come. <3
