Hopeless (Dan Howell X Reader)

Unsteady - X Ambassadors

You took a sharp breath, your eyes stung, your fingers shook. You were, so, scared.

Swallowing the hard, dead lump that sat at the back of your throat, you turned the key in the lock to your door.

Silence.

Silence greeted you with an eerie kindness, no cheery "hello" from Kiwi landed in your ears, no bright lights, that someone had left on, burned your teary eyes. You were, so, alone. And it felt like a ten-ton punch in the stomach.

You felt the light that Dan and kiwi had finally brought back, die as you stepped inside, randomly dropping your handbag at the door. You made your way to your bedroom, you knew what you had to do, you just didn't to want face it.

No one loves you.

You're alone.

Hated.

Rejected.

Ugly.

Fat.

You fell face first into your bed, sighing and breathing in the soft lavender fragrance of you freshly washed sheets.

You slowly closed your tired eyes, and let the empty darkness smother your soul like it had done many times before...

This time, though, you didn't even flinch.

You knew you were late in telling Dan, and you knew it was a long shot, but you thought if you threw hard enough you just might tap him, but... you didn't think about your aim. And you missed.

You sighed, your breath heavy in the thick air, like the dead weight of the evil in your life that proudly sat on your back, mocking and ridiculing you.

Its evil grin, morphing its twisted black face. And you hated it. And you hated to admit it. But it was always there. From the moment you opened your eyes, to the moment you closed them.

Today will be that day.

You gasped, will it? After everything, after all the breakdowns, the falls, the highs, the smiles, the love, was today the last of it? You slowly rose from your laying position, and forced your eyes to look at the mirrored cabinet in your bathroom. It stood out like a sore thumb, such an obvious place to hide a blade...

You went to stand up, but a loud echoing bell jumped your heart to a sky rocket. You stared at the skype ring tone and screen of your open laptop. Your mothers smiling face, that was settled as her profile picture, staring you down.

You froze.

They were wrong. Those voices, today wasn't going to be your last, or tomorrow, or the day  after that, or the day after that. You had finally found happiness, and just because that little glimpse of happiness rejected you, it wasn't the end. You had found that, that love, after everything, so you could surely find it again.

But you were never truly happy...

Were you?

"(Name!)" his voice, shattered everything, and you opened your eyes, you were laying on the sofa, your neck sore and your eyes numb. You looked dazed around your apartment, you had fallen asleep after crying...

"Dan?" you croaked, and there he stood, grinning at you like he had just won the lottery, and to him, he had, because you were his million bucks.

"I'm sorry," he began, stepping forward "I couldn't say this over the phone. I couldn't. I just... I was so happy!"

Your face fell, you were sitting here, dreading everything you had ever done, and he was happy.

"When you told me, my heart stopped, I – I couldn't speak... I love you (Name.) and I couldn't tell you that, without wanting to touch you, to hold you, to make you mine, and just... just look at you." He sighed, his cheeks beet red, your own matching him style.

You hadn't thought about that. And you felt like an idiot. You covered your mouth with a shaky hand.

"I'm sorry... I had to see your reaction, face to face." You chuckled, tears cascading down your cheeks.

"you fucking idiot!" you yelled, you jumped over sofa, hurdling it like a professional. You yanked Dan's top between your fingers, and finally, brought his lips onto your own.