amnesia // 5sos

Chapter 19.

"Ugh Jade, there are so many of Luke's POVS!" Well, learn to like it, there's going to be quite a few parts from Luke's perspective:P 

This part is so repetitive, like i know I only updated last ight, but bc it's a strike day I thought I'd write more last night and update more today, so I hope you like this, idk 

I hope you enjoy this, ily <3

 *Luke's POV*

After the eventful phone call with my once girlfriend, I decided to head back into the house where people had started to leave in an extremely drunk, terrifying state. I decided to pinch the remaining few bottles of vodka that were on the side, along with my bottle of wine that I left lingering on the step outside. I stumbled to my car and fumbled around in my pockets or my keys, dropping them on the ground by my feet, I picked up my keys and unlocked the car, hoping I could still drive. I threw the bottles in the passenger seat beside me, turning on the head lights, and returning for a slightly un safe, scary journey home.

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I arrived home, thankfully not dying. I got back to the house at roughly 6 a.m, the headache starting to make my head feel like it was going to explode, I sat in the car for a while, just in the drive thinking of what happened. I can't go in and face the boys, Ashton will probably be the only one awake, making everyone breakfast and doing his morning work out.

I looked at the never ending bottles of alcohol in my front seat, I can't just leave it here and waste it. I grabbed what looked like a large duffel bag from the back seat, I shoved the bottles in there and decided it was time to face the music and head inside the house. The crisp winter air hitting my face, making me feel refreshed. I swung the duffel bag on my shoulder and stumbled to the front door, holding my head to be met by Calum, Ashton and Michael.

"You smell, awful." Michael grimaced, "Where did you go last night?" I barged past them and straight upstairs. "What's with the bag?" God, he was full of questions.

"Do you ever shut up?" I spat, walking up the stairs, the boys still following me.

"Don't talk to Mikey like that, and please, stop shouting, Jade's sleeping she was up all night wondering where you were." Ashton said to me, showing a disgusted face, they had obviously all heard what Calum had to say.

Wait, Jade was wondering where I was? What does that mean? She doesn't love me, I'm over thinking this way too much, aren't I?

"She said she wants to talk to you when you got back," Ashton added, "She's in my room, probably worried sick. You're her baby's dad, she's going to be worried if she doesn't hear from you in 12 hours." Ashton opened the door to his room, showing me the girl who ran up to me and flung her arms around my neck, hugging me tight.

I heard the boys walk down the stairs, mumbling some harsh words, in which I was expecting.

"Where the hell were you?! I was worried sick!" Jade fretted, sitting back down on Ash's bed.

"I went to a party, I just nee-"

"I got you answer phone message," Jade cut me off. "I can't say I feel the same way about you, anymore Luke." She mentioned, as I grabbed ger wrist. I felt the cuts come back, they were rigid and deeper than usual. I turned her wrist so I could see it, it was gashing, the crimson had dried up and formed a ring around each cut, dozens of them. Tears from her eyes droppped on her wrists, "You've seen them, haven't you?" she snatched her wrist back from me, I hastily nodded and kept my hands to myself putting the bag on the floor. "I did them last night, when you were gone. it was all my fault you left, and I didn't know what I could do to make you feel better."

This was me, these cuts were all my fault.

"I ran into the bathroom at about 2 this morning, remembering I had Ashton's old blades in my coat pocket, I cleaned them and then started again. I was clean for a week, I promised Ashton I'd stay clean and I didn't." I looked at my feet, knowing this was all my fault, I caused all of this. Yet, I wasn't even man enough to breathe a single word to her. "I sat next to the bath, and just cut until I felt peaceful and safe, letting out a few whimpers. Ashton, as you can guess heard me and ran straight in the bathroom, he threw his other blades away, for me. He promised me he'd stay clean, because he loves me. He knealt down next to me and he told me, 'if you want to cut yourself then you're going to take my arm, look me in the eyes, and cut as many times as you would yourself.' I told him, I couldn't do that, I couldn't hurt him." That's when I started to understand everything, he didn't want to see her hurting and bleeding, just like she wouldn't like to see him suffer.

And it's all my fault.

"Luke, I don't love you anymore, I care about you, I will always care about you. We're having a baby, but, I don't have those sorts of feelings for you anymore, and I know that's the most depressing thing you're ever going to ever have to hear..but please," Jade pleaded, I could barely hear her, it was an almost inaudiable speech. "You can find a better girl, a girl who's10 times better than I ever was. A girl you'll spend the rest of your life wi-"

"I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, only you. No one else but you." I exaggerated my 'yous', "You're the only girl I've ever really loved, the only one who's ever made me feel like a better person. Don't you understand that?" I asked, Jade just looked at me in shock, she nodded. "Then be with me, we can have this great life together!" I cried so much, I could barely form a smile, Crazy Luke is back. 

"We need to think about what's going to be best for us in the long run, I'm going to be with Ashton. Did you not take in what I told you earlier about my cuts? You don't underst-"

I kept cutting her off, "I don't think you understand that you are the only girl I've ever wanted, before you I was in such a rut, such a deep and dark rut. I always thought so little of myself, and you made me think better." Maybe this was the alcohol talking, I had a different appraoch last night. "I miss you, a hell of a lot and I don't know how long it's going to take to get over you, but I can't promise I'll be able to stay away from you." I calmed down, realising I wasn't going to get anywhere. 

"Bye Luke," I stood up, flung the bag back around my shoulder and cupped Jade's face, stroking her cheek with the pad of my thumb. I kissed her forehead and left the room, tears forcing their way down my cheeks. 

But she doesn't love me anymore, my whole world has just stopped and crumbled down, Luke Land had turned into a place full of dark and depressed feelings. I have nothing to look forward to anymore, only going to L.A and the baby, I highly doubt my friends want me around anymore either. 

I trapsed into my room  and flung myself down on my bed, pushing the large bag to the side, out of my side. I turned my head towards my bedside table staring at a picture of Jade and I in a frame, I couldn't help but smile at myself.

Maybe it's time to let go, of all of it.