Ashes (Sequel to Windows To The Soul)

Twenty.

I was a complete emotional train wreck, why couldn’t I just stay away from him? Why couldn’t I stop thinking about Harry making out with that girl? Why?

I wish I was numb, I wish I couldn’t feel a thing it’d make everything easier, feelings are completely useless they don’t give me problems and pain. Why is this so difficult? We’re just flesh, bone and skin, that’s all we are, being human shouldn’t be difficult.

I saw him get up from the couch and leave, just like that. So many whys in my head and not a single answer for them.

I heard the sound of a guitar echo through the walls of the house and a voice that was quite familiar to me.

This is the start of something beautiful,

This is the start of something new.

Just when I realized it was Ed’s voice, Louis walked in the room.

“That’s Ed’s new album, this song is one of my favourites, it makes me feel…understood.” he said as he walked up to me.

I got up because I knew he wanted me to.

And I’ll throw it all away,

And watch you fall into my arms again.

He was there, standing in front of me, looking at me in a way anyone has ever looked at me before and it made me feel strange but good.

You are the earth that I will stand upon,

You are the words that I will sing.

I unconsciously took a few steps closer to him without looking into his eyes, wondering what was he thinking, what that stare meant.

And I’ve thrown it all away,

And watched you fall into his arms again.

That’s when he glanced away from me; I knew the lyrics slapped him across the face, but what could I do? I couldn’t fall into his arms again…

“Louis I have to be at my job in an hour and-”

“I’ll give you a ride, you can take your clothes home with you,” he cut me off.

What? Why would I want to take the clothes I had in that wardrobe with me?

“I don’t want to see you again,” he answered the question I had in my head.

I frowned, what happened? Have I done something wrong? I didn’t even speak.

“Why? I thought you-”

He sighed, “This is a torture Taylor, you’re killing me, I can’t take this anymore,”

I slightly shook my head in confusion.

“But you said you’d wait for me…” I whispered.

He looked at me again and I couldn’t tell what he was feeling.

“So are you saying that you’re going to be with me?”

His question caught me off guard; I bit my lip because I didn’t know what to answer.

“Get your things, you’re going to be late,” he said as he got out of the room.

So he couldn’t take this? What about me? I have feelings too and he was confusing them with his strange behavior.

I huffed and went upstairs to the bedroom, trying to organize my thoughts.

He said he didn’t want to see me again and it hurt, it hurt a lot because as weird as it sounds the boy who destroyed my world last year is now all I have, he’s the one that hasn’t left me, the one that hasn’t made me feel like shit for making out with another girl, the one who’s sheltered me from the rain even though I am the one who’s crumbled him up like a paper.

The boy who’s ever truly loved me is kicking me out of his life.

I changed into a pair of jeans and a blue sweatshirt; it was just as blue as I was feeling. I folded the clothes and went down the stairs, they weren’t too many clothes but they were as heavy as a sack of rocks in my arms.

He was leaning against the doorframe of the front door, looking down at his feet. I cleared my throat to get him notice my presence. He turned around and stared at me.

“Don’t cry,” he said.

I didn’t notice I was crying until he said it, I guess I was more hurt than I thought.

He started walking up to his car and I followed him, I didn’t want to but what else could I do? I couldn’t guarantee him that I’d be with him, I couldn’t.

We got in the car and I started sobbing harder, I don’t know why I was doing that I didn’t want to cry. He didn’t even look at me though, and I didn’t like it, a small part of me wanted him to stop the car and tell me that he was kidding or that he’s thought it twice, but he didn’t stop the car, he didn’t comfort me, he didn’t say a word until we reached college and he only said a weak goodbye. 

As I walked inside my dorm I was wondering what the hell had gotten to him? Why did he suddenly make that decision? My temples were burning.

When I saw Selena sleeping I threw one of my shoes at her.

“What the hell?!” She squeaked.

“You left me there!” I yelled at her.

“I thought you left Tay, the fact that you weren’t here when I came back confirmed it to me,” she said.

I growled and looked at the clock that was on the wall, I had half an hour to shower and get ready for work.

After getting ready I got in my car and hit the steering wheel with the palm of my hands, what was I doing with my life? I just wanted to record my own videos and put my music in them, I wanted to create things and I wasn’t moving forward, I needed to do something about it.

I started the car and headed to the small shop, I didn’t feel like working but I had to. My mind was way too messed up to just sit behind a counter waiting for someone to come in for the next six hours and the worst part of it is that I will have to be with Kyle, that annoying brat I don’t even know what was he doing there, I guess he was there just because his father is the boss.

I parked the car and crossed the street to get in the shop.

“Good morning,” my boss said.

“Good morning,” I said back to him as I left my bag on the floor and sat behind the counter.

He got closer to me.

“You have the next week free, Kyle and I have to go visit my mother she’s sick and I can’t take care of her on my own,”

I smiled gratefully at him, I could use this free week to focus on studying.

The hours passed by and I was extremely bored and bothered by Kyle, who was trying to get on my nerves every five minutes but I didn’t show how bothered I was by him because that would mean he’d win.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Louis, and thinking about Louis makes me think about Harry too so I was sad, I was really sad.

I lost everything I had, but was it my fault? I guess it was since I couldn’t figure out my feelings anymore and it was hurting him.

I sighed as I closed the door of the shop, I couldn’t wait to get to the dorm and cry on a corner while eating a bunch of sweets and chocolate until I get sick but, as always, I had to wait because unpleasant people always get in my way.