Scales (The Journal of a Teenager)

7/21/16

Hey there

This is my personal journal for you to read

Please no hate!!!

I am writing all of this stupid stuff down to help others, so they know what it's like to be obese and have no control.
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Hi, my name is T.. And I'm having some issues so I decided I should write a journal to keep track of my life.

I feel sad, if I'm going to say it bluntly. I look around and see everyone smiling and having a good time, but I can't. I can't say I don't know why. Lately, I've been a bit rude to those around me. I haven't been getting any sleep. I just keep thinking and thinking and thinking about the same dang thing over and over.

Food

Every teen age girls nightmare is becoming obese. I keep thinking about it and it makes me sad. I see these celebrity's with thin bodies saying the same thing over and over
" I have my insecurities to. I work out all the time". Note to hate on those girls but I'm envious and angry. My one wish is to be beautiful. No matter how many times someone says
" You are beautiful on the inside and out", I can't believe them, it's not true. You can be beautiful on the inside, meaning you are kind and sweet and polite. But then the outside, you have these impossible standered a that you have to meet and it's hard. It's hard because of the amount of pressure is to meet those high standards.

Now, I'm 5'8, and I weigh about 175lbs. That isn't terribly obese but I am not thin. My stomach is pure flab. I am ashamed of myself. I hate my body. I don't want to hate my body. My body does not define me. I define me. Everyone else at my school thinks other wise. It makes me sad whenever I see people talking about how skinny they are because there are girls like me, dying to be skinny. At my school, people don't exactly call me fat but whenever we go shopping, my friends make little comments like
"I think you need a bigger size"
"A large? Are you sure"
"I don't think that looks good on you"
It's killing me inside. I know those girls are my friend and they don't mean any harm, but hearing those words makes me not only think I'm fat but it makes me feel like I'm fat. Feeling and thinking are two different things and they both hurt but the difference is feeling is like being stabbed by a knife will thinking is like ripping a bandaid off.

I have decided to let my feelings out about this in the form of a journal. I will be keeping track of my weight loss in this journal.
Please do not bring on the hate when I say what I plan to do about my weight.
Starting right now. I plan to decrease the amount of food I eat and when I eat. I know it probably sounds stupid and people out there are probably like
"Why are you starving yourself?"
"That's not healthy, don't you know that?"
"Why would you do that to yourself?"
I am doing this because I feel that it's the only option. I am alone. No one knows about my insecurities or about what I feel about myself. If I told anyone, they would laugh or give me pity. I am trying to change my lifestyle starting with this. I will try to check in as often as I can.