Don't Call Me Crazy (boyxboy)

Chapter 15: Love is Poison

Joshua knocked on my window. Looking up from my seated position against the wall, my heart stopped. I thought after our break up this morning that he'd hate me. I was hoping for that.

I planned to ignore him but looking into his eyes I knew I couldn't. He deserved everything he wanted and more. Getting up from my desk, I pushed open my window and watched him climb inside. His hair was a mess and he looked tired. His brown warm brown eyes seemed duller and it was all my fault.

He laid on my bed, patting the space next to him, indicating he wanted me to come lay next to him.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

He sighed, "I know."

"The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you."

"I know. I'm not mad anymore, I've already forgiven you."

"Okay."

"Okay"

I laid on the bed besides him. Fingers entwined. In this moment I knew something had change. Between earlier today and now, something was different. The atmosphere around us seemed to stop as I felt his eyes on me. I couldn't avoid him anymore, couldn't pretend he hadn't clawed his way into my heart. Fighting every demon I had within me. It seemed like the sound of his voice was the only thing that silenced them.

Turning my head, my green eyes met his brown ones, and for the second time today I saw the underlying pain in his gaze.

He had me trapped and he didn't even know it. He had me melting in the palm of his hand but I would never tell him, and he knew that.

"What's wrong?"

My question seemed to float in the air for a while, and if he wasn't so close I would have thought he didn't hear me. I don't know why I even asked. It wasn't like I was clueless as to what was wrong.

"I know almost nothing about you yet you know every detail about me. I can only tell you basic things about yourself. Your favorite color is purple, not a dark purple or light purple but that perfect sunset purple. You hate seafood and dried fruit. You love deserts that are sweet but not too sweet. Your personality consist of sarcasm, thoughtfulness, curiosity, and the occasion adorable side. You raise your eyebrows every time something interest you. You're a bundle of secrets but somehow you make people want to trust you and spill their guts to you, without saying a word. You want people to trust you without you trusting them. You like to know everything and share nothing. You're perfect by not being too perfect."

I just stared at him blankly not knowing what to say. He couldn't have been more right and judging from the look in his eyes, he knew that. He knew that no matter how comfortable I became with him over the past few months that I could never trust him. Not fully. There was a part of me that trusted him, but the other part of me knew that trusting people never ended well. He probably thought that was why I broke up with him. A relationship is nothing without trust.

"Have you considered that maybe I'm unknowable?" I asked quietly. The question, though it seemed so simple, held no definite answer.

He turned on his side, fully facing me now. "You're only unknowable if you don't know yourself."

"What about people who have lost themselves, are they unknowable then?"

Squeezing my hand, he pulled me into his arms, breath against my ear, "No they're simply lost. People who lost themselves once knew who they were. People who are unknowable have never known who they are. They try to find themselves and by the time they have, they have become a different person entirely. So tell me, are you lost or are you just unknowable?"

"I could lie and tell you that I'm just lost but the truth is I don't know. Not sure if that makes me unknowable or just ignorant," I spoke honestly.

He hummed but didn't comment. I knew what he would say next.

"I'm in love with you, you know."

"I do."

"Good."

I knew he wished I would say it back. I wished I would say it back but saying it back meant something I wasn't ready for. Something I had never experienced before. To be in love. I recalled one of the few times when Samantha felt sorry for me. Harold had slapped her and beat me soon after. My head rested on her lap and if I could have moved at the time I would have. Instead I had settled for asking her why she stayed with him, as she stroked my head softly. I remember her words exactly.

'Being in love with someone is like drinking a delicious poison and ignoring the burn that comes with it, having them love you back is like a murder suicide.'

Love wasn't something I was ready to try out yet. I didn't want to test my adoptive mom's theory and I think Joshua in some way, understood my uneasiness.

"Hump me, fuck me

Daddy better make me choke (you better)

Hump me, fuck me

My tunnel loves to deep throat

Lick, lick, lick, lick

I want to eat yo' dick

But I can't fuck up my nails

So ima pick it up with chopsticks

Mouth wide open, mouth wid-"

"You should probably get that," I told him, trying to hold back my laugh as his phone continued to ring

He shook his head chuckling. He picked up his phone sounding amused. "Hello....mhmm...yeah...I'm only next door....yes ma'am....okay fine...calm your guardian panties I'm coming....yes, yes....okay bye."

I couldn't help the laugh that came out when I saw his expression. He looked like someone just broke his favorite toy.

"I have to go home, my sister is making a big fuss because we're supposed to b-"

I cut him off already knowing what he was talking about," It's fine."

"Well I guess I'll see you later than." He climbed out my window and started climbing down the latter.

I watched him go. Watched until he went through the side door of his house and disappeared. Lately it felt like all I could was watch him leave, and hope he'd realize I was no good for him. Too damaged and unclean, and this felt like the last time we would see each other. It was like seeing the ending credits of a movie you didn't want to end. As much as I wanted him, I knew he would never be mine. He couldn't be. I would die before I let him get hurt.