A Small Matter for Your Attention

I apologise, Home Secretary, for intruding once again upon your hour of private meditation.

It is fully apparent to me how precious, and yet how necessary, these few quiet moments are to you.

However, I am afraid that there are some burdens of state whose assumption can be put off no longer. If I might, perhaps, first make a suggestion: I believe the proximity of a desk would undoubtedly make these matters a mite easier to transact. And so, if we were able to relocate ourselves from the recreation room, splendidly comfortable as it is, to the official offices of state...

Only a short walk, Home Secretary...

I am most obliged...

Oh, indeed, sir, my wife is more than well...

And the children? My children?... Ah, yes...

My wife assures me that they are thriving. The country air, don't you know...

You are too kind for asking.

I am touched that the Home Secretary troubles himself so to remember their names - it's more than I myself can do, at times, I assure you...

Here we are.

What a magnificent blotter you have! Antique, I shouldn't doubt...

Really? Belonged to...

What a historical mind you have, Home Secretary...

If you would allow me one moment to get the papers in order. Yes, it is indeed 'a bit of a mountain,' Home Secretary. However, in this case, Mohammed will not be necessary - my humble self will be the unmoved mover. Ahem... Forgive me...

Where to start?

Ah, well, I should - what was that phrase I learnt during that seminar the department was kind enough to send me on - I shall 'bring you up to speed' on the salient issues. Not, I may say, that the Home Secretary's velocity has ever been in doubt...

Yes, I am afraid that this is the matter that you have been avoiding - for reasons which bespeak your humanity quite plainly...

All of this distasteful business has, of course, been conducted through our usual agents. William Morris Jr himself, no less, has taken a personal interest in negotiating some of the trickier paragraphs.

If you had the time, the Home Secretary, I'm sure you'd appreciate the bravura work on sub-section six, dealing with copyright. Alors. On commence...

If Home Secretary could just sign here, here, here and here; and initial wherever I've put a cross. Then, if you could sign at the end here.

This?

This here is, let me just have a look,...

ah, yes, this is for television rights. In the end we've plumped for the BBC - they're going to employ an 'in-house' producer. I hear he's very good. He covered last year's Grand National, so he has experience of live broadcasting.

There was some debate as to whether we shouldn't move to one of the other channels. To remain with the BBC was, perhaps, a trifle conservative. But, whatever else you may say about them (and their record on your own administration is hardly untarnished), they do know how to do royalty.

It'll be the usual tried-and-tested format: ominous music, sombre voice-over. We don't want anything too graphic, either.

The blood-on-the-lens episode will not soon be forgotten...

Are you quite all right, Home Secretary? A glass of water, perhaps?...

I could always come back later...