A Character Interview

    A list of questions was put together by Beth Kinderman and Nikki Walker to help writers flesh out the details of their characters. I thought it would be fun to play around with the idea of what it would be like to actually ask some of my characters a few of these questions.
    And so here you have it.

A Character Interview

The crowd of Trainees looked up at Uma, awaiting instructions. Asha felt almost naked as she stood in front of the box holding every one of her weapons and rings and knew the others felt the same way. It seemed like only yesterday that she had stood, deep in the heart of Punjab's now destroyed HQ, and complained to a disbelieving Lexi about wearing so many weapons. Now, with only five days until graduation, Asha stood on the other side of the planet, feeling as if a part of her were missing without them.   
    After a long moment of scowling at the ceiling, Uma turned to search the crowd until she found Asha.
    "Sandhu," she said. "Hewitt. And...Mehta. Follow me."
    Asha glanced at Lexi and Ursala and the three of them shrugged before moving away from the crowd to follow Uma down a narrow hallway past Central Headquarter's suites that Asha had, up until then, assumed led to laundry or storage rooms.
    Uma stopped before a glass door and faced them.
    "All right," she sighed, looking tortured. "Just get this over with, okay? It's a new kind of exercise some idiot from Austrian HQ thought would be helpful. I argued time constraints until they agreed to let you endure this shit in teams of three, so you're welcome."
    Uma shoved the door open and motioned them inside, saying, "Have fun."
    She mumbled something in Punjabi to her son while looking strict, and disappeared the way she had come, her white braid trailing behind her.
    Asha followed Ursala through a brightly lit reception hall, followed closely by Lexi. It opened onto a stark, granite and leather-filled office with blank walls and recessed lighting. A stone desk the size of a pool table dominated the room with three uncomfortable-looking chairs facing it.
    A woman in a white jacket with graying hair worn in a severe bun sat behind the desk. She glared at them with cold authority from above her glasses, and Asha immediately knew she wasn't Guard.
    She pointed to the chairs in front of her and said, "Sit."
    Lexi raised an eyebrow, looking dangerous for a moment, but Asha herded her into a chair before she spoke.
    Ursala looked around the room lazily, shrugged once, and fell heavily into the remaining chair with his legs sprawled out in front of him.
    The woman at the desk consulted a machine, pushed a button, and said, "Dr. Krause to conduct Subject Evaluation One. Time, seven o'clock. Location...an unknown, and highly irregular mental facility."
    Lexi moved to rise, but Asha yanked her back into her seat.
    Ursala grinned.
    Dr. Krause leaned forward and regarded them with a stern expression that said, Don't even think about trying to weasel out of taking your meds. "Now then," she said. "I suggest you remember to be honest, and keep your hands where I can see them. Understood? Fine. Let's get started."
    "Yes!" Ursala said. "Let's!" He waved his hands around, patted his middle, and leaned back again.
    Dr. Krause glared as if her credentials were in question and let the silence stretch before flipping open a leather-bound pad with violent efficiency. She held a pen poised over it, and spoke to the notebook. "What is your full name?"
    The three of them let the silence stretch out until Asha felt she would burst from the effort not to smile and Dr. Krause brought her glare to rest on her.
    "Let's start with you. Full name."
    "Asha Sandhu."
    Dr. Krause wrote something, presumably Asha's name, in her notebook. Then she raised her glare to Lexi, and Lexi cracked her knuckles, glaring back.
    Dr. Krause turned back to her notebook. "Being uncooperative will only serve to prolong this evaluation. I can assure you, this makes no difference to me. I should warn you, however, that I have the power to strongly recommend medications you may find...off putting."
    "Lexi Hewitt," Lexi said through gritted teeth.
    "And I am Mr. Ursala Snugglebear Mehta," Ursala said cheerfully. "And may I add it is a great pleasure to meet you, Doctor Krause."
    "No you may not," Dr. Krause said, scribbling something—presumably some off putting medication for Ursala to be forced to take—into her notebook.
    "What is your occupation?" Dr. Krause looked at Lexi. "That is to say, what was your occupation before finding yourself here?"
    "Pest control," Lexi said and Asha tried very hard not to smile, which only made not smiling more difficult.
    Dr. Krause looked sharply at Asha, then wrote something down. Ursala craned his neck to see her notebook and she turned her glare on him.
    "You. Do you have any allergies, or diseases?"
    "Oh, yes," Ursala breathed, his smile something wicked. "Quite a few, actually."
    The doctor held her pen above the page. "List them, please."
    "I'm allergic to mold. But only the kind found in Sumatra on May the first. At midnight. It's a very rare mold, very rare. Then there's the rashes. I get rashes from eating kale if it's mixed with a specific kind of mustard oil, cold-pressed, not the other stuff, cause that would just be barbaric. Also I have a very severe African horned cucumber allergy. I will break out in hives—unless they're soaked in grape juice, red grape juice, of course. There was also the time I got a wart. It happened on the full moon in December of last year. You see, I had recently touched a—"
    "That will do," Dr. Krause snapped, turning to Asha.
    "What do you have in your pockets?"
    "My...what?" Asha blinked, suddenly feeling there might be something horribly embarrassing in her pockets, even though she knew logically that they held nothing unusual.
    "You heard me, Miss Sandhu." The glare was back in full force. "Empty your pockets. Now."
    Asha reached into her pockets and began emptying them onto the desk as Dr. Krause announced each item and made notes.
    "Twenty-seven dollars and fifty cents. One credit card, platinum. Two tickets to Cirque du Soleil's O Show, dated three days from now. One restaurant receipt. And one gum wrapper."
    The three of them sat silently while Dr. Krause concentrated on her note taking, not looking at each other for fear of bursting into laughter. Dr. Krause waved her pen at the items and Asha put them back into her pockets, then flicked the gum wrapper at Ursala's head when the Doctor turned to her notes again.
    After one more note, she turned to Lexi. "How would you describe your childhood?"
    "What?" Lexi gawked. "She gets 'what's in your pockets?' And I get 'describe your fucking childhood?"
    Dr. Krause scribbled furiously in her notebook. "Profanity," she said, as if someone had just strangled her cat. Asha presumed she was prescribing something especially off putting for Lexi.
    "My childhood was fantastic, okay?" Lexi surprised Asha by not raising her voice and staying in her seat at the same time. "I had everything. I traveled everywhere. In fact, it would be entirely accurate to say I was the most spoiled and pampered child in the entire world."
    Dr. Krause glared again, then turned to her notes. "Illusions of grandeur, masking a deep-rooted trauma apparent in anger and resentment toward authority."
    Lexi moved to lunge at the Doctor, but Asha and Ursala both held her back.
    "That's what I've been trying to tell her, Doctor," said Ursala. "She has a real issue with anger. I've suggested deep-tissue massage, but that only seems to enrage her further. Is there a medication for those who feel no gratitude toward gestures of kindness? Cause she definitely needs that one for sure."
    Asha was about to choke with the effort of not laughing as Dr. Krause nodded wisely, writing more notes.
    Finally finished, and completely oblivious to how close she had come to actually feeling Lexi's wrath, the doctor turned to Ursala and asked, "Tell me, Mr. Mehta. Did you have any role models as a child?"
    "Oh, yes!" Ursala said, sounding practically orgasmic, and Lexi and Asha groaned, rolling their eyes in unison.
    "I had so many inspiring role models as a child. Absolutely! First, there was Uncle Bob. Great man, Uncle Bob. Fantastic man, Uncle Bob was. He taught me that it's better to eat cake than to...not. I still remember the look he would get on his face, sitting on the porch swing as the afternoon sun began to set over the lake house. The crickets would be coming out... The birds would be finding their nests for the night. Uncle Bob would lift the chocolate cake, that was his favorite, chocolate cake with raspberry and whipped cream, but the homemade whipped cream, not the canned stuff you can get. The real thing, you know? And Uncle Bob, he would lift the cake high, like a prize, and he'd say—"
    "Next question," Dr. Krause said, making notes.
    She turned to Asha. "What would you consider to be the most important event in your life so far?"
    "Getting into the same school as my friends."
    "Interesting..." Dr. Krause made a note and leaned toward the machine on her desk. "Patient seems to suffer from feelings of inadequacy, unable to cope without emotional crutches and the security of the familiar."
    "Oh, absolutely," said Ursala. "Asha here is even convinced she wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for those very same crutches."
    Dr. Krause turned to Lexi. "What is your greatest regret?"
    "Entering this room."
    "...hostility increases when patient is asked about her past..."
    Dr. Krause turned to Ursala. "What about you? If you could change one thing from the past, what would it be?"
    "I'm glad you brought that up, Doctor." Ursala leaned on his knees and gazed sadly at the floor. "I once saw a puppy on the side of the road one dark and stormy night. It shivered, huddling in the downpour...nowhere to call home...no one to feed it. The memory haunts me to this very day. Why?" Ursala suddenly shouted, and the doctor jumped. He reached up and took handfuls of his fluffy, blond-streaked hair. "Why didn't I take that puppy and bring him into my heart? How could I have been so cruel and unfeeling?"
    Dr. Krause glared at Ursala over the rim of her glasses, apparently forgetting to take notes.
    "Tell me this, Doctor Krause, is there anything you can give me that will mend my broken soul? It yearns for peace every minute."
    The doctor seemed to remember she could ignore Ursala by writing, and picked up her pen again, making notes that Asha suspected were doodles.
    "You, Sandhu." She snapped her attention to Asha. "What is something you would refuse to do under any circumstances?"
    Asha straightened, suddenly offended. "What kind of question is that? There are many things I would refuse to do. What exactly are you suggesting?"
    "I am not suggesting anything." Dr. Krause looked stern. "Patient seems to become agitated when her character is questioned. She is also showing signs of deep-rooted anger management issues." The doctor adjusted her glasses and regarded Asha. "Now. Miss Sandhu. Give me an example of something you would refuse to do."
    "Okay," Asha said, getting her temper under control with an effort. "Among many other things, I would refuse to murder a person who is, for example, simply doing her job. Who is innocent of the realities of the world, and must actually have no idea of just how offensive they are making themselves."
    Lexi crossed her arms and smiled at the doctor. "I'm not sure I could promise the same restraint..."
    Sweat suddenly appeared on Dr. Krause's face as she met Lexi's gaze and visibly realized she could be in danger. Asha noticed the doctor's hand move toward a button on the desk.
    But then she shook her head, cleared her throat, and began taking furious notes.
    "...we'll just skip a few of these, I think..."
    She turned to Ursala. "Mr. Mehta. In general, how well would you say you treat others?"
    "I'm the perfect example of kindness. Unless by others you mean puppies in the rain. Is ignoring others considered not treating them well? Puppies I mean."
    "The question did not refer to puppies, Mr. Mehta."
    "Oh. Well, then my answer is fine." His smile was lascivious. "I treat others just fine."
    "Hewitt." Dr. Krause kept her eyes on her notebook. "What do you look for in a potential lover?"
    "What the fuck did you just say to me?" Lexi tried to lunge for the doctor again and Asha and Ursala barely held her back.
    "Answer the question, Miss Hewitt."
    "No." Lexi yanked her arms out of Asha and Ursala's grasps. "I most certainly will not answer the question." Lexi leaned back, smiling. "In fact, you know what I think? I think this exercise was to see just how long you stay breathing. Ask me that question one more time and we'll have the answer."
    Ursala raised his hand. "I'll answer that question, Dr. Krause! I'll be happy to answer it."
    Asha noticed Dr. Krause looked slightly green, but she nodded, readying her pen over her pad again.
    Asha shook her head at the ceiling.
    "First of all, eyes." Ursala said, his voice taking on a breathy quality. He raised one hand and looked at the wall as if in a trance. "My potential lover must have eyes like tiny lakes holding galaxys of unimaginable beauty, windows to an unfathomably deep soul. That's a given, okay? Next we move on to breasts. My potential lover's breasts must be—"
    "Thank you Mr. Mehta," said Dr. Krause, her glare back in position. "That will be quite enough."
    "You." Dr. Krause turned her glare on Asha. "What is your most treasured possession?"
    "My lap harp."
    "It's not really a lap harp," said Ursala. "It's more of a guitar-mandolin- mash-up hybrid thingy. No one knows what it is, actually."
    "Whatever," said Asha, waving a hand at him. "My musical instrument is my most treasured possession."
    "Hewitt," Dr. Krause said, visibly plucking up her courage. "What is your favorite color?"
    Lexi sighed heavily and glared up at the ceiling. "Black. Okay? My favorite color is black."
    Dr. Krause spent five very long minutes writing in her notebook and Ursala tried to make Asha laugh with lewd gestures. It almost worked.
    Then Dr. Krause said, "Let's talk about pet peeves."
    "Oh, for Christ's fucking sake!" Lexi threw her hands up. "What's next? Cravings, I suppose?"
    "Cravings!" Asha said, in her perfect Matt Lucas woman-voice imitation. "Let's talk about cravings!"
    Dr. Krause snapped her attention to Asha. "Are you feeling quite well, Miss Sandhu? Do you need me to call someone to give you an anti-psychotic right now?"
    Asha could feel Ursala and Lexi struggling not to laugh as she shook her head. "Thank you, Doctor. I think...later will be just fine."
    Dr. Krause squinted at Asha over her glasses. "Good. I suggest you keep your outbursts under control, Sandhu. At least for the duration of this evaluation."
    Ursala raised his hand and waived it around frantically. "Pet peeves! I have many, many, oh so many pet peeves."
    "Of course you do, Mr. Mehta." Now even Dr. Krause had begun to look tortured. "Why don't you tell us about one, and only one of them."
    "Honey bees," Ursala said and Lexi and Asha snorted in unison.
    Dr. Krause regarded her notes. "You may clarify."
    "Honey bees are my number one pet peeve," Ursala said. "Maybe it's the buzzing."
    "How does the buzzing make you feel?"
    "Annoyed."
    Dr. Krause regarded Ursala with a steel glare. "Annoyed."
    "Yes, Doctor. Very annoyed."
    "Okay." She looked at her notes. "I have two more questions that I want each of you to answer, and then you may return to your rooms."
    "By all means, Doctor," Lexi said, waving an arm. "Ask away!"
    "Describe yourself in three words."
    Ursala said, "Exceptionally handsome, wonderfully gifted, and extremely sexy."
    "That was six words," Asha said.
    Dr. Krause started making notes again.
    "Sandhu? Your three words?"
    "Uh... Kind? Loyal. And... Bossy."
    "Interesting..." Dr. Krause declared. "The patient seems to suffer from an inflated ego as well as demonstrating outbursts that reveal a mind on the edge of total psychological collapse... Hewitt. Three words."
    "Patient. Disciplined. And..." Lexi grinned at the doctor. "'Homicidal."
    The doctor coughed into her fist. "Good. Last question. If you could choose, how would you want to die?"
    The silence stretched as Asha glanced at Lexi and then Ursala.
    Ursala winked at her, then said in a voice completely devoid of humor. "I would choose to die saving those who couldn't save themselves, preferably to the sound of an entire symphony of screaming monsters."
    Dr. Krause blinked at him as her pen dropped to her notebook.
    Asha looked from Ursala to Lexi and said, "I would like to die a very old woman, preferably at the same exact instant as my husband, surrounded by my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren, who I had the joy of watching live long, peaceful, lives in a monster-free world. That would be nice."
    "That's pretty detailed," Ursala said, holding his hand up for her to slap.
    "Nice?" Lexi laughed. "I can't think of anything more mind-numbingly boring! Holy shit, Asha. Way to depress the hell out of us."
    "Well?" Asha said softly, Doctor Krause forgotten behind her desk. "How would you want to go?"
    "Me?" Lexi turned to Dr. Krause. "I would choose to die with my sword in my hand, fighting. With the burn of demon blood on my skin, the sound of shrieking, dying evil in my ears. And my gifted and extraordinary family at my side."
    Dr. Krause reached a shaking hand across her desk and hit the button embedded within the polished granite. An instant later Garud towered into the room wearing a white shirt and pants that reminded Asha of a hospital staff uniform from the movies. He showed them a handful of zip ties and said, "Don't force me to use these again, Hewitt. We won't have you scaring the good doctor."
    He winked at Asha. "Now move along back to your rooms. Dinner will be served right after you pick up your medications."
    Asha followed Lexi and Ursala toward the door and heard Dr. Krause say, "When I accepted your generous proposition I was not informed that this hospital housed violent criminals. You will be hearing from my lawyer, understand? And whoever wrote these questions is most assuredly not a mental health physician. I've never heard such absurd drivel in my life. Some of them were positively ridiculous."
    "I understand, Doctor Krause," Garud said. "I'm told it's an entirely new form of treatment. From what we have seen so far, it is proving to be quite useless..."
    "My assessment is that these subjects are beyond help, Dr. Garud. Completely insane beyond the reach of modern medicine."
    "No doubt, no doubt." Garud said, and Asha could hear the smile in his voice. "As soon as you speak with twenty or so more of our patients we'll have you headed back home to Switzerland. Did I mention just how much we appreciate your fine expertise here?"
    "Be that as it may." Dr. Krause sounded even more stern than before. "If those three are any indication of the rest of your patients, they may all very well be beyond my experti—"
    The door closed, cutting off their conversation.
    "She has no idea," Lexi said, and the three of them finally burst into laughter.
    Ursala wrapped an arm around Lexi's shoulders and crushed her in his bear-like grip. Asha took his other arm as they found their way to the mess hall. "C'mon, Mister Extremely Sexy. Who wants to make bets on who injures the good doctor first?"
    "I would've put my money on Lexi," Ursala said. "Now, hell, it could anyone!"