amongst; » kim [EDITING]

before.

she closed her eyes, her mind churning as the voice screamed, on and on—filtered; her ears rang. she could escape the matter, but only for a few moments at a time. it was her own personal, temporary haven.

"lift up your fucking head, disgraceful."

she agreed with the voice. ren was a disgrace who tried to embrace the fact that she was one, which wasn't easy. she wished that her quiet haven could last the lifetime that her struggles did. however, both she and some form of higher power knew that it would not come so easily. did anything really?

"i'm sorry," the voice murmured in her ear, setting an disturbing unease in her stomach. she swallowed.

"it's alright." ren spoke gently nonetheless. she was tranquil in the thick, chaotic air. she and her mother both grew quiet. the fan whirred in the corner, and ren's mother held out her hand. she helped ren from the floor before leaving the room without another word. ren only began breathing once she heard the door click.

she pressed her forearms against her stained jeans to abate the bleeding. she tended to her lip, not too damaged, though was slowly swelling purple.

her left ankle tickled. ren met the level eyes of her judgmental feline.

"shoo, enjisuten."

the cat leapt away to the nudge of her foot and mewed. enji faltered in the corner, peering from a cautious distance. a practical cat knew to escape abuse.

sunlight began to glare through filtered windows. upon powdering her face, ren slung a heavy book bag over her shoulders.

she grimaced. the weight was not the problem; rather criticism invoked stigma towards her overly vivid imagination.

ren dismissed the idea, as well as herself.

"oh my goodness, how do you manage to stay so beautiful?"

ren smiled sheepishly, bowing her head. "a girl is required to own her makeup, right?"

the other girl giggled, a grinning face among the many. she was beautiful too, with an unrecognized beauty. ren didn't understand vanity nor did she modesty. she didn't acknowledge most of the words she said and didn't articulate any of them. she left them to be inwardly messy, yet safe.

the girl's mane swayed hypnotically as she drifted away in different groups. ren found her to be much more appealing—dark hair, fair skin, and doe eyes that brightened in the spark of conversation. ren wished she knew the girl's name.

insecurity was a girl's greatest flaw, she remembered. the standard was laughable now.

at the end of the day, so was she.

"are you looking for someone?" the boy questioned. he seemed meek yet calm, still without a hint of excitement in his tone.

"no one in particular," she said. "is there a way i could join?"

"you'll have to wait for us to hold a meeting," the boy said. "we have to agree on every club member of interest." he paused, glancing. "we'll let you know."

"thank you."

the wind snapped at her clothes in a vigorous way as she exited the building, only the center of her gravity as a stabilizer.

still, she found it daunting and exciting. she was coursed with inconsistent adrenaline and emptiness that alternated like players in a game.

ren's footsteps halted. she stood still and regal in the empty courtyard. shriveling trees and wild flowers met her gaze.

strangely, in the midst of a howling wind, she laughed awkwardly. ren was alone, but found humor in the irony of her own opposing thoughts and actions. she dared to make fun of her "insanity," so prevalent and surreal in this moment.

perhaps she was laughing because she found something to be joyous?

astronomy club was a simple concept but ren found relief from such. fascination of the stars had never been a very personal matter, yet suddenly it was.

she peered toward the sky. the clouds shrouded the scene of the sun, and little droplets pecked her skin.

ren hovered momentarily, but soon flipped up her hood and began on her way. her book bag shifted with every footstep but she suppressed any inner complaints. she figured that there was no time for her to wait.

_____

let me begin by saying thank you to everyone who has supported this book. thank you very much for 5k reads and counting, i appreciate every one of you.

i really enjoyed writing this book, but reading it again i realize how many flaws there were. like big flaws. one of which is the glorification of suicide. it wasn't my intention and i'm just really sorry for any misconceptions. i didn't mean for it to seem that way but i didn't want the book to be elongated either. from what i could tell in my perspective, i did a bad job of executing that and i'm sorry.

i don't know why i wanted to write this last bit, but it was probably to fulfill this story because there were also some things unanswered (there still are actually lmao). i guess if there are any questions ask me? i'm not really active right now so idk.

also enjisuten means aphelion in japanese i think? i hope? thanks google translate?