The Boxer and I

Eight

WARNING: This chapter contains imagery of sexual violence and triggers to self-harm/suicide. 

Hello,

So this chapter is a little shorter the previous ones because I felt right to keep it short. Please read my authors note at the end. 

Previously...

Flo visited Jake at his apartment to return the money that he tipped her when she was working at a restaurant that he went to with Becca (Flo's step-sister, who is much older). Flo arrived angry because of the tip and didn't want his financial help, she felt like a charity case. Jake invited her into the apartment where the conversation led to her crying about the past. Jake tries to comfort her before she leaves. This chapter takes off where the last chapter left - she's stopped on the side of the road coming back from Jake's apartment, crying. 

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What I've started to do when I feel like shit and there's so much on mind, I take a pen to paper and just write it out. I don't know why, but I feel like when I can't confide in anyone, that paper is the only thing that I can talk to. Some sort of deep shit right there.

I'm still parked up on the side of a strange road with the sun starting to set before me, scrambling through my bag for a decent pen and old notepad no bigger than my hand - anything will do for now. I'm no longer crying since I've spent the past ten minutes doing just that, non-stop. Yet, I wish I still was. Along with writing out my feelings, I feel like crying is the only way I can get all of the angst out of my system.

Holding the paper to my lap, I start to write.

Dear Jake,

God his name even looks perfect on paper.

I need you so much closer. All of these years, I've never felt as lonely as I do right now. You're right in front of me, but so damn far away.

Ey, and the waterworks of my eyes start again. See, it doesn't take much to make me cry.

I was 14 when I realised what was between us was so much more than just a basic friendship, at least on my side. I didn't think that you thought of me as anything more than a friend, so I didn't act upon it. But things changed when mum cheated on dad, I got angry and couldn't give a shit about anything anymore. I started feeling sorry for myself actually, which is sometimes a really toxic thing to do; I started defending my actions by blaming other people. Because I didn't feel like you loved me back, there was such a big part of me that resented you.

Stupid, I know. I'm stupid.

There's no excuse, but that's why I did what I did. To try and escape everything, I started going out more, drinking more. The divorce got to me more than it should of, I can't even remember how many times I knocked myself out because of how drunk I got to forget about my parents and what was happening.

I take a pause from writing and wipe my tears, squeezing my eyes shut to clear my vision. I think this is the first time I've ever written everything down like this.

Then it was that one night at that party which just royally fucked everything up. I kissed River. I try telling myself it was 'just a drunken kiss', but it wasn't though - it was a lot darker than that. Sure, I had some to drink, but by that time my tolerance was high, I knew the shit that I was doing. And Georgia, she was fucking pregnant, together with River she was happy. It was complicated but they were both happy. I ruined that.

Why?

I feel like screaming and ripping the paper apart right now.

Because I wanted to get back at you. I wanted to make you feel jealous. I wanted people to care for me. I wanted the attention and I wanted all of you guys to feel sorry for me like how I was feeling sorry for myself. You, River, Ky, Georgia, Emily, all of your lives seemed perfect while mine was falling apart. I was so so selfish.