Mutual Benefits (BOYXBOY)

IN PAIN WE TRUST 1

In Pain We Trust 1

          I had no strength in me; it was sheer will that propelled my body. Beaten, broken they left me for dead. I wanted to die; it would have been a release from the pain that I was in. The agony that rippled through me was nothing compared to the hatred that took a hold of my heart. I could feel it like a black hole sucking in all the kindness I had left within me. There was now a hatred so deep it became the sole reason I lived.

         “Orion,” a voice called and I looked up to see my older sister staring down on me. I was still in bed though my clock read that it was well after three in the afternoon. That night took everything away from me. I dropped out of college; I moved in with my sister and her husband. I started to see a therapist. I lost something that night, in many ways I died that night. “your going to be late for Dr. Maze.” Her soft voice held pity for me. I didn’t know what was worst, what those guys had done to me. Opposed to having the police question me on everything that happened. Having the doctors poke at me to see what was wrong.

        Dr. Maze has been treating me for my psychological breakdown for two years now. It has been the longest two years of my life. Nightmares plagued me every waking hour. Even when I closed my eyes, I could see their faces. When all was silent about me, I could hear their voices. Every lover who had kissed me tasted of them. Every person that brushed against me felt like the ones who attacked me. The ones that raped me, beat me, and left me for dead. I only knew one of them my ex-lover never fully gotten over the fact that I had left him. I should have listened to my sister back then when he was stalking me. I should have gone to the police before he had a chance to bring me true harm.

       Sitting on the couch in Dr. Maze’s office I stared at him, just as I constantly did. Over the two years that I have been coming to see him. I’ve made countless passes that were regularly rejected with his favorite line. ‘It would be unprofessional of me to date one of my clients.’ At least that was what his mouth said I saw how his eyes followed me those times I paced the floor. How in the slightest and sexiest ways he would look at me as he licked his lips. We all have our vices, our own ways of coping with traumatic events in our lives. Before the attack, I had only been with two people in all my twenty-one years of life. Afterward, I’ve become more promiscuous, using my body as a tool for release, I have taken countless strangers to my bed. Dr. Ivar Maze might have been one of the few that refused me.

       “How have you been feeling these past couples of days?” Dr. Maze asked me his voice smooth and soft. I watched how his shirt hugged his chest hinting at the body he was hiding under a layer of clothes. His gray eyes were behind a square pair of glasses that hung off his face as he wrote something down on his pad. My eyes always went to the pad when he was writing. I wanted to know what he was putting down there about me. I haven’t even answered his question, yet he was already three lines down on his page. My heart skipped a beat when the pen stopped flowing, and those gray eyes were looking into my hazel ones again.

        “I keep having dreams,” I looked down at my hands as I twisted my fingers into each other. I knew it was a part of Dr. Maze job to help me with these things; I always felt slightly embarrassed when I had to share them. I didn’t want the good doctor to see me as anything less then what I was. I didn’t want him to shine that harsh light on me like my brother-in-law seemed to do. “it’s the night of the attack, and they already left me in the alley broken and used. I crawl towards the street to get help.

         I can’t use my voice to call for help, so I keep crawling towards the street. Just like how I did on that night.” Taking in a breath, I knew that Ivar wasn’t going to like the next part of my dream. “Making it to the street, I get to my feet and stumble into oncoming traffic.” Pausing I glanced up at the doctor through my eye laces his face was still the stone mask that he always wore. He was handsome like a stone status. Distance, cold, most of all immovable. “Only in my dream the truck didn’t stop.”