It took approximately eight seconds for Spot to go from "chain smoker and designated family disappointment #2" to "genius stockbroker, millionaire and Richard and Margaret Kennicott's favorite daughter" once she told her parents what she had been doing in secret for the past eight years.
Spot first became interested in stocks when she was twelve. While you were doing absolutely nothing of importance at twelve years old, she quickly realized a pro and a con about being a sixth-grade stockbroker:
+ she was incredibly, stupidly good at it
- certain people would become interested in her, namely the IRS
So, she did the first thing her underdeveloped brain told her to and employed her even more dimwitted sister Snoopy as her figurehead. Snoopy has the I.Q. of a grilled cheese sandwich; every time she nods her head you can hear her little brain rattle around, like a popcorn kernel in a jelly jar. Convincing her to move to New York so she can make money doing next to nothing was almost too easy.
A year later, Snoopy made her first million. Wahoo helped her celebrate by taking her on a fancy vacation to France. They went to the Louvre and ate some pretty great sushi.
Spot celebrated too. She invited her neighbors over for a sleepover. They watched Goldfinger and ate Captain Crunch.
Nine years and ten million dollars later, Snoopy Kennicott now leads but a simple life, which has only escalated since she moved to a town where she can count all of the residents on one hand (although that might be attributed to a case of her not attempting to make the slightest effort to get to know anybody). While Spot fell in love with New York City, Snoopy had a brief stint at her parent's house that ended after four short months on the grounds of being "twenty-five-goddamn-years-old."
One day, Spot couldn't help but overhear Snoopy talking to her dad about moving. To Switzerland, specifically, strictly because if World War III ever erupted she would be safe, so Richard, Spot, and Margaret should come too and seek shelter from the inevitable nuclear fallout since no one would ever think to invade Switzerland. Not even Hitler did that, Snoopy said.
Richard thought that was sound advice, but Margaret had trouble wrapping her head around the legalities of just picking up and moving halfway across the world as well as "what the hell kind of crazy-ass person would even consider doing such a thing." You have everything you need right here, Margaret said. Like me!
And thirty-five cans of refried beans for when Y2K hits and the world ends, Richard said.
Margaret pretended she didn't hear that.
And the ashes of Snoopy the First, Spot said while laughing, referencing the beloved family Dalmatian (and Snoopy the Second's namesake) whose remains still grace the living room side table with its presence.
Snoopy swore that her parents told her he ran away and was living on a peanut farm, but then realized about six months later that she was also told that when she was thirteen.
To Margaret and no one else's surprise, Snoopy relocated to Appenzell, Switzerland two months after that very conversation took place. Spot could never find the time to actually come and visit what was described over the phone as a "sweet get up," but on the morning of December 9, 1999, Spot bangs on the door to Snoopy's house as Wahoo stands behind her, shivering through two jackets.
"Maybe she's not home," Wahoo shouts over the incessant knocking.
Spot scoffs at such a suggestion. "Bullshit. Where would she go, hang out with her friends?"
Spot's watched enough Cops to know how to kick a door in, but thankfully, such measures aren't needed, as Snoopy herself opens the door and greets her sister and best friend-slash-hopefully soon to be lover with a deep breath and a lackluster, "Oh." Not a good 'oh,' like she was excited to see them in the slightest. It was almost like they inconvenienced her, which they actually had in a way (she's been expecting a pair of As Seen on TV vibrating slippers to come in the mail any day now and was hoping that this was it. Three days from now Anja from across the street will find them on her doorstep and will briefly consider returning them to their rightful owner, but decides to try them on for 'just five minutes' and never looks back).
أنت تقرأ
See Spot Run
الفكاهةAn apology for the life of Snoopy Kennicott (or at least, the first twenty-five years of it).
