constructive criticism

01. in the mirror, i see no one

by orgulous

THOUGHTS ON THE COVER;

it's alright, but it's not eye-catching. i'd suggest using another font with no thickness on the same image.

THOUGHTS ON THE GRAMMAR;

most of the sentences reflect the way kayden talks, making it seem more like an inside monologue than story telling. the fact that it's present tense adds to that effect. if you're not going for that effect, i'd suggest changing the verbs in past tense, but if you are, then good job.

there are some minor mistakes, probably because of not paying attention. if you re-read what you've written, you'll easily spot them and you can correct them. the punctuation is kind of off too.

the descriptions are very vague and don't tell us a lot, but i'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it's because the narrator is kayden and not kathryn. if it's not because of that, i'd suggest editing some parts while using thesaurus or a website of the like.

dialogue-wise, it's good, but there was a part in which holly foreshadowed kathryn and kayden's romance, which was kind of annoying and you should probably remove that.

THOUGHTS ON THE PLOT;

the thing is, there's not much of a plot. it's just kayden doing shit. it's very slow-paced, but that fits the story better, in my opinion. i'd suggest adding more action that affects later-on events in the next chapters, while still keeping it slow-paced.

things to consider:

WHY is {character A} doing something considered malicious?

WHY is {character B} reacting the way they did?

WHY is {character B} in this situation?

WHY did {character A} choose {character B} as their victim?

THOUGHTS ON THE CHARACTERS;

· KAYDEN;

i like him. his inconsistencies are consistent and he's flawed. he's gone under some minor character development even though the story has 5 chapters (sitting with holly at lunch, defending kathryn in english class, respecting kathryn's wish to not have sex with him in the VIP room, even though he paid, because he wanted to lose his virginity so badly and let's be honest - he's egotistical, stopping himself from yelling at kathryn in the cafeteria). he's got a sense of self irony and he's smart, even though not academically. but he's not a protagonist in the story as of right now, he's merely a narrator. he needs a redemption arc for every lie he's said, all the shit he's talked on his brother, every time he's lashed out at someone on impulse, etc. still, his mental illness limits his redemption arc, because mental illnesses don't get cured, but he does have a lot to learn and a lot of conflicts to solve to become the protagonist.

· KATHRYN;

we don't know much about her yet. we know only what kayden knows and that's that she's nice, she hates being touched and she's not sociable basically. i can't say much as of right now, because kayden is merely her acquaintance. we don't know anything about her supposed best friend, zoey, so i'm just gonna put her in kathryn's section. however, i can't say i dislike kathryn. she's gotten a minor character development in the last chapter, where she helped kayden and touched him a few times.

ELIJAH & MIKE;

i'm assuming they're jocks? kayden called them boring once and they're ~popular~ i guess and mike recited a very dumb poem once. even if they're just side characters, they need more development! since kayden lies a lot because of them, i'm gonna assume they're judgemental, but he's not really a trustworthy narrator when it comes to them, ruth, bobby and randy.

· HOLLY;

i like holly. she's very straightforward and aggressive, in comparison to kathryn's passivity and kayden's habit to lie. these three characters have a lot of contrast between them and i love it. there's also a feel of melancholy in her conversations with kayden, because they've known each other since they were kids, but she implies he never really paid attention to her. she also recognized kathryn, which means she's observant. she has appeared less than bobby, but we know more about her. but more about bobby later. as of right now, as a side character, holly is well developed, but if she stays in the same place for long, she'll become a weak character like mike and elijah.

· BOBBY;

bobby is some kind of jock, like mike and elijah, but he seems friendlier and closer to kayden. kayden underestimates and belittles bobby a lot, but this doesn't give bobby characterization, it gives it to kayden. kayden thinks bobby isn't intelligent, but is that true? we don't know. bobby is a weak character like ruth, who i'm going to talk about in a minute, but anyway. bobby is hinted to be honest and maybe observant, but because of kayden's ignorance, we don't know much about bobby.

· RUTH;

ruth is slut-shamed by kayden and it's the same as bobby - it doesn't give her characterization, it gives it to kayden. it shows that he's petty, because when they were flirting, he said something regarding her and bobby (they're cousins) which she found dumb and walked away, so he got angry. he even recognized it himself. then, she asked kayden about his brother, aiden, and he got angry again. these are the only two interactions ruth had with kayden, yet we know nothing about her!

i'm not going to talk about aiden, because he hasn't been physically in the story, only mentioned, yet he's still more developed than ruth, mike and elijah.

ARE THERE ANY CONTRADICTIONS?;

there was one, but you saved yourself, even though the sentence needs to be reworded.

in chapter 1, kayden says he's a senior, which means he's 17-19. but then, he says he's NOW legal - but to be legal in the USA he has to be 21, which leads us to think you are foreign and he's 18. then he says they don't check the IDs in sinful pleasure in a later-on chapter, now it makes sense why him and his classmates are there. i suggest changing the sentence from chapter 1 entirely.

ARE THE CHARACTERS LACKING COMMON SENSE?;

no. kathryn explained why she works at sinful pleasure, so everything makes sense.

FINAL THOUGHTS;

it's good, but it's not reached its full potential. bpd is portrayed well and isn't romanticized and probably will not be. kayden is still unaware of his illness so i'm just gonna wait for him to find out and see how he reacts.

SUGGESTIONS;

· develop mike, elijah, ruth and bobby more!!!
· more relevant action is needed in later chapters
· re-read it and correct the grammatical mistakes

RECOMMEND OR NOT?;

recommend. it's definitely going to get better in future chapters and after editing it's going to be good. i know i talk about stories like i wouldn't recommend them, but i'm here to point out flaws in a non-mocking way.