The Book

Chapter 32

Ohh just wait until you read…

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It’s been five days since I’ve seen him.  It’s been five days since I’ve had any contact with him.  It’s been five days since that drunken night of his.  It’s been five days since I told him.

          Five days since I told him about the cancer.

         How do you go on?  How do you go through the days of pain and agony with not knowing a thing?  I don’t know a thing.  I don’t know a thing about what he’s up to now.  I know he’s supposed to go back on his scheduled tour in three days for about a two-week time period.  And with that done, he’ll be on a long and enjoyable break until the next tour.

         I say the term “enjoyable” very loosely.

         Who knows, it might be enjoyable for him.  Or it might not be.  Does he feel this way?  Does the thought of not knowing what is happening between us scare him death, also?  Does he feel this anxious when he thinks of me now? 

         Does he even think of me anymore? 

         Stop doing this to yourself, my conscious keeps reprimanding me from my stressed out thoughts.  It’ll only make it worse, she keeps repeating.  That’s all I think my conscious does; repeat, repeat, and repeat.

         You told him, the truth is out, and he can now make his decisions.  My conscious rings with thoughts like the last.  No more hiding.  There’s none of that.  As much as I want to keep hiding, I know I can’t.  There’s nothing to hide behind anymore.  It’s like I’m the wizard hiding behind the curtain from The Wizard of Oz.  But now the curtain is gone and it’s just me.

         Just me.

         It’s a scary thought actually; just you.  There’s nothing more or less you can do about it because you are you.  And no matter how or what, nothing is changeable.  No matter how much you wish you could disappear or forget the past, you can’t.  It’s a part of you and there’s not much left you can do.

         So for the past five days it’s been just me, with a little help from Alexandra and Erin along the way.  Through it all my days have been relatively normal, for me at least.  I continued on with my classes that dragged on and on all day long, went out to eat with Alexandra, did course work, slept, went to the doctor’s, and surprisingly brought Alexandra to Erin’s house for dinner.

          That was a fun time.  Alexandra got on well with Erin and Clark.  Alexandra and Clark seemed to have had found out that they had the sense of the same humor and kept joking around.  They found great joy in sharing different American jokes that they’ve both equally had the fun of teasing me with.

          But other than that, I’ve been the same.  Occasionally dodging the animalistic stares I’ve been getting from my classmates and random walkers on campus.  Nasty, jealousy, and admiration looks have all been casted my way due to him.  I am now connected to him for as long as I may live.

         Please note my sarcasm.

         This isn’t how I planned to go about my schooling in London.  Not one chance did I think I would find people, let alone a male, become so twisted up in me that it would affect me in this way.  This was the number one reason why I refused to get close to any boy.