'In the old days at home the Neverland had always begun to look a little dark and threatening by bedtime. Then unexplored patches arose in it and spread, black shadows moved about in them, the roar of the beasts of prey was quite different now, and...
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i still sleep in your t-shirt --
(this is likely a mistake but in this way, i can at least pretend that you are close to me.)
i lay on the left side of the bed (so that there is always a space for you) closest to the window, and i close my eyes with my fingers laced in something that was once your hand --
and i see all the hypotheticals and possibilities that this room might have held (with you in it).
i see where your head would have rested, where your hair might have scattered not so far as mine across the pillow -- how your shoulder, white but not as lean as mine, would roll in sleeping motions --
and how you would reluctantly wake to my gnawing kisses and pokes and prodding paws, to my kitten scratches and mews when i grew tired and restless of waiting --
for your eyes to open and rest finally upon me.
i place my eyes on the bedside table where i might have put two cups of tea, one for you and me, on those maybe dewy mornings.
and now i turn my pupils to Amelie who sits and reads with me in bed (in your stead) so that i am never quite alone --
and even in her fictional solitude in the centre of her bed, she is dreaming of love and a quietus of that deepest loneliness that we share.
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(04/10/2017)
please listen to the song if you can. it speaks to me in so many ways, the sense of loss, despair and betrayal. and the horror of it all, in god's house.
