Of Crows and Jackdaws

Part 3 - Concerning Trolls

The trolls were in front of the inn, bullying passersby, howling, drinking from a barrel and from their rugged goatskin flasks. Some of them were trying to start a fire in the middle of the street to roast a wild dog carcass that they had probably found in a ditch. They were stumpy primal creatures that had bloated and blemished blue skin with large patches of stony warts. Their beards were like twigs and moss and shaggy fur and moldy leaves, and the stink of carrion was on their foul breath. They were often vile troublemakers and degenerates, sometimes violent without provocation.

When Elias and Barcias arrived, it was already late in the afternoon and Yvennec let out a sigh of relief when he saw them and directed them toward the commotion. Elias went for the largest of them, swung his staff from behind his neck where it was rested and smacked him squarely on the head as Barcias drew his sword in a rush and stared disconcertedly, expecting the creature to pound the little wizard into the dirt. The troll screeched in anger and was about to hit back when he realized who had attacked him and spoke in a voice that would have been mellow had it not sounded like gravel rubbed on an iron plate.

"Ooooh! Shpoon man! Why Rockchew hit? Rockchew no bad. Troll no bad. Troll eat, troll drink. Troll good."

"No, Rockchew," the wizard said in a voice full of annoyance rather than anger. "I told you I didn't want to see your ugly mug in town. And that bridge you were supposed to maintain is falling apart."

"Troll bridge repair no like. Troll shiny coin want. Troll dog good eat. Troll apple good drink."

Elias frowned and sharply pointed at the barrel. "Apple good drink? Is that cider? Whom did you steal it from, you drunken rascally dunce." Barcias had heard that trolls were clever with their hands, but not smart enough to make alcohol. Perhaps that was why they had no tolerance for it at all in spite of their size.

"Troll no steal. Troll find." Rockchew said with a ridiculously naive grin that exposed his rotten teeth.

"You won't have me believe that you found a barrel full of cider abandoned in a corner, Rockchew. I'm not that stupid."

"No?" Rockchew asked candidly.

Elias brought his hand to his face and rubbed his eyes in exasperation. "I gave you the spoon, Rockchew. I gave you the shiny spoon..."

"Yes, shpooooon," the troll clamored, holding a silver spoon aloft.

"...and I didn't pulverize you like your brother because..."

"...'Cause Rockchew agree troll bridge repair."

"And what does the bridge look like today?" Elias asked.

"Errrr... No repair?"

"Exactly," the wizard said. "It's in ruin. And here you are getting drunk, scaring people and causing a ruckus in town."

"Troll have fun like. Troll bridge repair no like."

"I don't want to hear it, Rockchew. I..." The wizard was interrupted by a great booming cacophony of wood and tiles breaking and horrified screams: one of the trolls had fallen through the roof of the inn after climbing on top of it.

"Was that Ripstump?"

"Errr... No. Is Crackjaw... Troll roof repair."

"Like you repair the bridge, Rockchew? You're taking your troupe and you're getting out of town." Elias said, fiercely raising a finger. "Bugger off!"

"But, troll fun have."

"Out!"

"But..." Rockchew said, raising his spoon in protest.

"Fine. Would you rather have me turn you into a statue or a pile of dust?"

"No! No, no, no, no, no... Troll go! No poof! No dust! No stone!"

Rockchew started going around as fast as his short stubby legs would allow, bellowing, ordering his fellow trolls to get up and leave, gathering their dirty possessions and administering heavy handed slaps left and right. In a few minutes, they were all gone except for Rockchew.

"Troll good. See? Troll now bridge repair. Troll roof repair. Troll good!"

He prepared to take his leave with a dirty sack on his shoulder... and a barrel under his arm.

"Drop the cider, Rockchew!"

"Yes. Rockchew mistake. Oops! Hehehe!" He turned around and muttered in a low gravelly voice that could only pass for a murmur among his kind. "Troll soon Shpoon man eat."

"I can hear you, Rockchew."

The troll bounced away from them, let out a terrified shriek and ran away without looking back, vociferating. "No poof! No poof! Rockchew good!"

Barcias sheathed his sword and eyed him incredulously.

Elias was visibly exasperated. "I know, I know: they're a nuisance. But at least I've been able to get to a semblance of an agreement with Rockchew. I don't know if another troll would acknowledge my authority."

The enchanter perused his short staff. The blow on the troll's head had left a dent.

"Let's get a nibble before the reunion. Are you of a mind for some beef tongue? Onion and cheese pie? No? Fava bean pudding? Damn it. Never any meat, nor any eggs, not even milk, and cheese. What a bloody boring ascetic life you lead."

Barcias shrugged.