Girl Trouble

CHAPTER 8: Terror Fantastic

SALAS

I'm so scared. I don't know if I'm depressed.

It's just so lonely walking alone at 2am, beneath the mocking shadows of these towering gravestones by night, they who serve as temporary, silent tombs by day: these offices, restaurants, shops, restrooms, and waiting sheds. Soulless 4 cornered husks of another man's pain. I find no comfort with friends or strangers, all who are sleeping soundly by the beat of the sandman's drum of dreams and wishes and stories. While I stay here, mulling over by what I could be doing now, rather than actually doing it. Whatever it is I could be or should be doing.

Admitting this fear makes me cringe at my reflection. How pathetic, weak, maladjusted, unfunny, trying hard and uncaring I can be. The lamps light the edges of each block of dead air. I avoid the cracks, yet I hope to fall into them, that I may find my battle, that I may find purpose and direction even if it means being able to climb out of a crack in the dirt on this street in this city in this country in this world in this universe, this time, this life, this slow, uncompromising and inevitable death of me. I cannot stop it. And thought of it cripples me my God. It is so dark and bright in all the wrong places. And I am fucking scared.

Fucking beer, I love it. Yes, I should have taken care of your papers earlier. I should have gone home to you every time I could. I should have saved all money instead of fucking all those whores. I should have given us more time together. I should have prayed more. I should have not tried to control my friends' lives. I should have not use your insecurities to me above you. I should have shut up when I could. I should have not punched you in your sleep. I shouldn't have stayed up late and have you worried. I shouldn't have kicked you because you have been with me through all this time. I should have not flirted with you. And you. And you. I procrastinate my obligations. I use the money I borrowed from you to fuck three-figure whores so I can come on their faces after I ask them about their kids.

I use your insecurities against you. I take your secrets and earn your trust that I may have power over you. I would rather be alone than spend time with you pretending to listen to your day-to-day concerns with your job. I lie to you about everything you believe me to be. I am only friends with you so I won't be alone. I don't care about your jokes, they are not funny. I doubt everything that you say. I don't want to work. I want my ideas to be accepted. I do it for my self. I am selfish and I want it that way. I hate everything that you do, everything that you are. Everything that you stand for is what I hate the most. All my smiles for you are fake. I fear you, so I keep you close. I hate you for everything you've done to my father. I stole your money while you were sleeping. I hate your voice. I hate your songs. I hate your movies. I don't respect you as a teacher. You never taught me anything. I don't need your sympathy. You taught me to hate. You are an immature nerd. I practice laughing at your jokes automatically. Everything is a competition with you, and you are my best friend.

I will drink to my death and die before you so you will see that I am what I am because of you. I don't give a shit about you as long as you lend me money. I only joined this group so that I could see her everyday and if it means pretending to pray I will do it. Fuck your problems with your wife and family I don't give a shit about them.

AAAahhhh. ICE COLD SHIT. Sarap.

I just want to go home. I don't care. Nobody cares. No one fucking cares. I'm there every night waiting, looking at the clock. Waiting for the phone to ring. Watching. Sending you messages and signs that I'm here. That I'll be there when you need me. That I will fight for blood when I have to.That I will die for each and every fucking one of you if I have to and I've done that.

Everyday I make time for waiting. To make sure that I can always find a back door, if I am needed elsewhere. I have clothes ready all the time should I need to fly immediately. I am ready. I am waiting. I've been waiting. Here I am. Waiting. Why isn't anybody calling? Why isn't anybody CALLING? I'll be here. I'll be waiting. I'll still be looking at the clock. All day, all night. I'll still be here. I'll be here I promise. And if you've been trying to find me, I'll be here. I won't leave. I won't move. Not one bit. I'll still be here. As always, still here. Still. Fack. More beer.