Fingertips | ✓

thirteen

It was as if my life came to a standstill. I couldn't process anything. It was all just a big blur. And I so badly wanted to blame you for it. There was a void in my life, a soul sucking vortex, and I wanted to hurtle all the insults and blame at your stupidly handsome face.

But I couldn't. Because I had come to terms with the truth. And the truth was... the truth was that I was the reason for this mess.

That very same night, right after I confronted your girlfriend, I lay awake on the couch while a movie played on the television. The images merely flickered before my eyes, the plot and action not deemed worthy of attention in that moment as much as my overwhelming emotions were. I wasn't actually processing anything that I watched. I couldn't. Not when the thoughts of my own self haunted me.

I thought of you. I thought of how you admitted to making a mistake, that it was your fault you initiated the first kiss all those nights ago. I thought about who to blame. Was it you or was it me? I wanted to give you all the responsibility so that I wouldn't have to carry any of that weight on my shoulders but I carried a portion of that weight. I carried most of it, in fact, and that only made my eyes burn and my heart ache. 

I had admitted that I was obsessed with you.

That was a first good step, wasn't it? But where do I go on from here, was what I thought as I huddled on the couch all by myself.

My eyes drifted to the clock. I had to blink twice to know if I was seeing right. It was nearing two in the morning and if I didn't get to bed now and clock in some sleep I wasn't going to be ready for work the following morning. So I dragged myself from the couch in my living room to the bed in my room but before I could even reach the bed, my reflection caught my eye.

The windows were wide open, the soft moonlight spilling through, the cold bitter air breezing into the room. The reflection of myself on the mirror was clear and the version of me that I saw left me horrified. Unable to rip my gaze away, I turned fully to face the mirror before I walked a few steps forward, the view of my ruined self staring back at me.

The longer I stated at the reflection the more I realised how ugly I looked. Not on the outside entirely. The sincere expression of heartbreak was written all over my features, creeping over my quivering cracked lips, running from my raw nose that has had a million tissues try to wipe away the sadness, and flickering past my brown eyes that held remorse and a brokenness that even I couldn't recognise.

I wanted to say you broke me but I may possibly be wrong. Maybe you broke me. Or maybe I broke myself. I was the one to push myself over the edge. I was the one that had gone far too over the line that the line was not even a dot but a mere speck from where I stood.

I lifted my hand to my face. I traced the raw puffiness under my eyes which was an obvious result from the hours I had spent crying instead of watching the television. I swallowed the lump that had arisen to my throat.

I had let myself down over a fucking man. I had let myself down by you and it made me feel angry but still, the sadness and the heartache that rapidly built up within me could not be quelled for in the midst of all things, it was the one emotion that ran through me with wild courage. It was the one emotion I just wished to drown in.

There they were again. The fucking tears.

My eyes burned with a great intensity but the tears refused to be kept at bay. One treacherous tear fell down my face, allowing for a path for the next tears to follow. I clenched my jaw, an intense emotion overcoming me. Maybe I felt hatred, or anger, or even sadness. Maybe I felt a combination of all three. I couldn't tell what I felt in that heated moment and still I do not have the words to explain the anguishing emotion that overwhelmed me. You were all I had ever wanted. One taste of you and I was driven mad with obsession. I wish I could have categorised it as love or even infatuation. But I couldn't because I knew the truth. You had become my obsession and I was all to blame.

I screamed.

I screamed so loud that a part of me thought that my neighbours heard and thought I was being murdered in here. But the thought was quick to pass my mind because that was certainly what I felt was happening to me. I felt like I was being murdered, my soul being butchered.

Every single thought that I had was one that encompassed you. You crept into every nook and cranny of my walls, plaguing me with all the what-if's and if-only's.

Rage boiled within me. Sadness swept through me. Heartbreak was like a hurricane rampant within me.

Any will that I had over my body crumbled there and then and it was only seconds till I felt the cool tiled floor through my sweatpants as my legs gave way for my fall. I curled into a ball and cried. I sobbed so hard that it physically hurt. I wanted the pain to go away.

Was I asking too much? 

Forget it, I was always asking too much with matters that concerned you. 

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a/n: so sorry for the late update! i haven't been that active on wattpad as of late. things have been pretty hectic but i'll get into the swing of reading/writing more since i'm getting a break in two weeks. 

for those who nominated Fingertips for The Fiction Awards 2018 hosted by thefictionawards, THANK YOU! it means more than you can imagine. if you haven't heard of these awards then go check them out and support your favourite authors to show how much you love and appreciate them. 

q: how do you think this story will conclude? 

until next time, xo.