kaden the irresistible | re-uploading in process

07 - KADEN THE IRRESISTIBLE

07 - KADEN THE IRRESISTIBLE
(first draft, unedited, 2016-18)

"I want you to know my intention wasn't to storm off like that," I began sincerely over the phone to Savannah.

The decision to call her was a reluctant one. I had to force myself not to chicken out and get it over with. It was a late, lazy Sunday afternoon when I awoke to Kaden taking Kit out for me. Thoughts flitting around about last night, butterflies twinging in my stomach, I knew I had to bite the bullet and apologize.

Not because of him, because she was his mother, that I was making amends; no, it was the simple fact, it was my moral obligation to own up to a mistake—that was the only reason. Or, at least, I told myself.

My fingers fiddled anxiously with a loose thread on my comforter, looking at my open doored bathroom, steam floating in then dispersing out. I continued, "I'm really sorry, and, next time—"

"No, no," she interjected dismissively, voice neutral and not angry in the slightest. "It's fine. Sometimes I forget how much of a whore my son is," she spoke flippantly, making it clear she didn't mean whore as an insult, "it's because of him you left, right?"

The way she talked about him unnerved, the whore comment and correct albeit vague assumption just didn't sit well with me. I wasn't sure whether to lie, or explain the whole ordeal. Kaden hadn't told her about me, and fair enough, but if we were something more, shouldn't it be in good nature I try to be honest?

My silence was interpreted as an answer.

"Listen, Dylan, I get it. My son, he's a woman and trouble magnet. You two had a fling, and that's all it was to him - but you want more," she assumed matter of factly. My throat made a noise to protest, but she didn't let me. "Honey, it's not you, it's him. My boy, he's a wild child and no one can tame him, and trust me, I've tried. So, don't feel bad because he doesn't want you anymore, he's like a child in that sense - barely plays with a new toy before demanding a new one."

"I -" Suddenly, my mouth was dry. Though I wanted to defend myself, I simply couldn't, didn't know how to; the words were a big jumble stuck to the tip of my tongue. That unsettling feeling worsened, and I swallowed thickly.

"Never took you for one of those girls - his girls, but I suppose I couldn't have underestimated my son's reach," Savannah mused, more to herself than me, and again, her tone made it a fact than a put down. "Thank you for helping me find Poppy, but I think it's time for you to part ways with the Knight family. You understand, don't you?"

"I—" I said again, then cleared my throat and tried to gulp down that lump. My lips rolled together, and I nodded even though she couldn't see me. "Uh, yeah, I understand." I hoped my voice was as strong as I intended, but I doubted it.

The line clicked.

Alone with my thoughts, I felt the insecurity, self doubt and hatred clawed to the forefront. My knee bounced against the hardwood floors anxiously, and I couldn't help but think how nice some vodka would do me, or a blunt; it'd put a lid on those shitty feelings.

What exactly were we doing? Sure, he said we were exclusive, more or less, but was it just a friends-with-benefits type deal? Was I expecting love? I mean, it was not possible for me to see someone loving me, much less, Kaden "hit and quit" Knight.

One part of me wanted to define this, while another was petrified; defining it more intense left me vulnerable to stronger feelings, and an even harder fall if things went bad (and, because it was me, it definitely would). If we were in a relationship, or moving toward one, that meant honesty—not that I distrusted him, but honesty meant divulging about my mental health and history.