White Box [under major construction]

Chapter Twenty-One

playlist for this book in the external link. click it :3

Chapter Twenty-One

Sometimes, I feel quite flattered that he seems to be attracted to a girl like me. At other times, I feel slightly disgusted. Like, ‘how dare you act like you’re interested in me when there's is more than a ten year age gap between us, how repulsive!’ But I suppose I was the disgusting one, crushing on a man twelve years my senior, an engaged man even. And with so much free time on my hands, I’ve had a great deal of freedom to contemplate these opposing views.

Today, I’m in a bad mood. My head hurts, my body feels weak, I’m unable to eat and there’s a sharp pain in my stomach. All I want to do is sleep.

Even though he told me I was pretty, I don’t feel pretty at all. It feels like a lie. A lie that he tells to comfort this stupid, pathetic, ugly girl before she finally dies and disappears from this world. That’s why sometime, I don’t trust him, I feel angry and I feel used. This is one of those days.

“Hey. You don’t look so good today; did you have a bad dream?” Was the first thing Dr. Anderson said to me that morning, seems like he noticed. I stayed silent, too tired to even think up a reply.

“You’re no in a talkative mood, hm? That’s fine, I understand.”

“… Hey.” I said after a long while of silence. I looked up at him weakly, unable to display my emotions properly with my failing body.

“What is it?” He asks.

“Does your fiancée know about this?” I asked the question bluntly, catching him off guard. He turns to look at me, a slightly troubled expression on his pretty face. I bet his fiancée is pretty as well, pretty people tend to attract other pretty people. I’m only sixteen, my body’s not only in its awkward stages of puberty; it’s also dying on me.

“Ah… My fiancée…? What does she have to do with this…?” He asks the question lightly, not wanting to anger me as he knows I’m in a bad mood. I thought about my reply, my choice of words probably poor at the moment.

“I think it’s fairly obvious what she has to do with this, given you’re having a relationship with one of your patients. An underage girl, even.” It’s strange, even though I’m the one fantasizing about this relationship, assuming it is one, I still want him to feel guilty about it. I don’t even know what I want anymore. Everything is just so complicated. I’d be hurt and betrayed if he said something along the lines of ‘I don’t think what we have is a relationship’, but if he said that what we have is a relationship, I wouldn’t be able to help feeling disgusted and used.

However, he says neither of those. His gaze travelled to the cherry blossom tree outside the window,

“… My fiancée and I, lately… We haven’t really been getting long, maybe it’s stress, or maybe it’s the baby. I don’t know.”

“Is your wife pretty?” I asked weakly, following his gaze to the tree outside.

“I think she is… She’s a very beautiful person. She’s good at dressing up and always looks very sharp. She certainly stands out.” He let out a small laugh, “Maybe that’s what drew me to her. I mean, a shy person like me, I didn’t stand a chance with her.”

“Shy? You’re hardly shy…”

“I was, terribly so. All throughout my teenage years, I was very awkward. I didn’t have many friends and well… It’s a bit embarrassing but I never imagine that I’d have a girlfriend, much less get married.”

“Where did you meet your wife?” I interrogated further.

“At medical school, we attended the same classes. Whenever she talked to me, I was so nervous that I’d stumble over my words and stutter so much she could barely understand me, but apparently it was ‘cute’.” He smiled and started walking towards the window.

“How long have you been together?”

“Five years. Although now I doubting whether marriage is really the way to go…”

“Why?”

“Because we’re going to be together all the time, it’s a little hard to explain but I feel like we’d get along better at a distance. It’s not really a fault of hers… I guess it’s just that we’re quite different from one another. She enjoys social gatherings and parties while I’m rather reclusive…” He trails off.

“That doesn’t really seem like such a big problem.” I said.

“No… Maybe it isn’t.” He sighs and presses his hand against the windowpane, staring out at the falling cherry blossoms.

“And yet you’re still willing to risk your relation with the woman you’ve been with for the past five years, just to play at being my boyfriend.” I can see his reflection in the window even though his back is facing me. He looked… Sad. Maybe there are a lot more problems in his life than he confided in me. Maybe he really does have a reason to feel so melancholy. But I don’t know what they are, he won’t tell me.

Maybe he thinks I wouldn’t understand.

“… Sometimes, it’s just so difficult. Having a family is a lot of responsibility.” He finally says.

“So I’m your escape? You’ll go along with my wishes as long as it makes you forget your real world obligations? Isn’t that pathetic?” He doesn’t turn around; instead, he closed his eyes and let his forehead press against the window.

“Maybe… Even though I’m supposed to be an adult, I don’t feel like one at all. I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“You’re pathetic.” I say.

“I know.” He replied. 

~*~

guys. so i made a playlist for the book. you should check it out. listen to it and stuff yeah. anyway, i have no idea what i wrote today. im so out of it. but like yeah. enjoy?

votes and comments would be lovely <3 

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