The Definition of Fate

Chapter 52

Anyone who knew me then would say
I loved you far too much.
Like a wildfire or the sharp edge of a knife.

Anyone would have told you I stopped being the person I was

The second you walked into my life.

They would have said
Love wasn't supposed to drive you crazy,

Make you want to scratch at your skin.
And they were right.
Because there was love and then there was you.

- Lang Leav

The first thing I hear is the beeping. It's incessant, constant, operating on the periphery of my senses. Then I feel my heart beat and my chest rise as I breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Everything else is a hazy, gray blur, but I listen to the beeping and it calms me.

Where am I? I search the recesses of my mind, and fragmented memories return. The Post. Mr. Fitzpatrick. Halle. Chloe. Driving through Columbus. Josh. At his name, a wave of panic rushes through me. Josh. Something's wrong with Josh. I can feel it like an irregular heartbeat, a chip in my soul, a disconnected neuron in my brain. Something's wrong.

I fight to wake up, to open my eyes, to find him. He has to be here. He has to. My eyelids are heavy and I force them to open then shut them again when harsh light shatters my vision. I try one more time, squinting and looking around me. The beeping comes from a hospital monitor to my right and I see a pale blue gown on my body and an IV in my arm.

I'm in the hospital.

"Rach? Rach, you're awake! Someone call a nurse!"

I try to sit up, but a pounding in my head makes it impossible. What's wrong with me? My head aches like someone beat my skull in with a baseball bat and I'm limp, lethargic. The only signs of life are the thoughts racing through my head and the pounding of my heart in my chest.

"Rach?"
I know that voice.

I force my dry lips to separate and whisper, "Josh? You're...here?"
A hand reaches for mine and I recognize his touch instantly. Calloused, kind, urgent. I lift my gaze and find him hovering over the bed, his eyes bloodshot and concerned. He reaches for me and cradles my face with his large, rough hand, a relieved smile on his face.

"Holy crap, you're awake."

"Wh-what's going on?"

Josh brushes his fingers along my hairline, tucking an errant curl behind my ear. "Rach, I...I'm so sorry. We were at the camp and arguing and you...you passed out."

My eyes widen as the memories become clear in my mind. I told Josh I was leaving. He was hurt, confused, angry. His words right before I passed out return to me: "Rach, you and I--are we not enough?"
I want to tell him that we'll always be enough, that I want him and I always will, but I can't. I'm caught in his sparkling blue gaze, in the touch of his rough palm on my cheek, in this moment of quiet that I know will soon shatter. I try to sit up, to reach for Josh, to kiss him so he knows how I feel, but I can't force my body to cooperate. A wave of panic washes over me.

"Am I okay?"

My voice quivers as I speak, and I regret all of the times that I ignored Josh and Chloe trying to convince me to go to the doctor. I've known for months that something wasn't right, but I decided I was strong enough, that I could just push through. I wasn't strong enough. I shattered under the pressure.

"Josh, what's wrong with me?" A tear escapes my eye and trails down my cheek.

"I...I don't know yet, Rach." He uses the pad of his thumb to wipe the tear away. "They haven't told me anything yet. They're running blood tests, but that's it. That's all I know."