Alone [manxman]

fifteen:: when you double your addictions.

[I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes) by The 1975]

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EXTREME TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm; suicide contemplation.

FIFTEEN: when you double your addictions.

August 9, 2016

Normally when I committed to something, I would struggle with fulfilling it. I always ran from my problems when they got too hard and that was something I absolutely hated about myself. But it wasn't as easy to take flight when I was breaking Paul's heart... It wasn't easy to look into his eyes and say that I didn't want to be with him anymore but it was much harder once we'd gotten to the house.

Paul had taken a longer route than usual -most likely because he expected that giving me more time to think about it would help. The car ride had started sad and ended awkward, his hand gripped tightly on the steering wheel and he hadn't looked at me. He didn't look at me once we'd gotten to the house either, just looking down as he opened the door and storming into the house.

I was left to trail behind him, my eyes blinking back tears, I hadn't cried and I honestly didn't want to because if I started, I wouldn't be able to stop. "So, what, you're gonna move out?"

That was him as I packed my things. My eyes were downcast as I shoved clothes into an old sports bag I had, I had so much shit there.

Living with Paul was so easy once we'd gotten back to that point, I moved so much shit in without even thinking twice and now I took over so much of the space. If I hadn't have left, he would've gotten sick of me anyway.

He was standing in the doorway, recently bigger arms crossed and his mouth was set in a straight line. With his eyes centered on me, he questioned my plan and honestly, I didn't have one. I knew I couldn't stay there though, not when I'd just broken up with him and the last painting we'd done together was mounted on the wall right behind him.

I avoided his eyes. "Paul-"

And he was laughing but it sounded forced and I wasn't sure if he were trying to seem apathetic or hurt. I could see the hurt, it was all over him. His body was stiff and he stood in the doorway... he was angry. "You're packing and then what? You're gonna go live with your dad? Is that the plan?" And he sounded so condescending that I swore my chest would cave in, "you're gonna run back to your dad because you're afraid?"

"Pl-please stop." Tears were pushing at the rims of my eyes and I tried to pack faster, tried to get most of my things so I didn't have to come back. I didn't want to come back, didn't want to see him so soon because as hard as it would be for me, I knew it would be harder for him.

"Explain it to me."

I stayed silent and all the hop had drained from his stance. Paul was stepping forward into the room, he was getting closer and I didn't like it. Standing, I went to shove the rest of my things into the bag with shaky hands. "We were- we were doing so good, I thought." His voice had softened, so had his face but his words were gritty and he sounded choked up, almost whispering. "And now you just don't wanna be with me anymore."

Slipping past him, I kept my head down. I was looking for my keys then, trying to grab a few more things. I had so much small shit there, I'd been there so long. I couldn't fit my laptop into the bag too so I held that. Tossing my bag on the couch, I tried to get situated. "Angel, we can-we can try other things, you don't have to do this-"

"I don't want to, Paul, what are you not getting?" And it was mean, that much I knew but he wasn't gonna stop if I kept dancing around his feelings. We were done, it was better this way, if he didn't want me off my meds, he didn't want me at all.