How To Lose Weight And Survive The Apocalypse

Chapter 2

The newsreader was barely holding it together, which in itself was terrifying, because the dude had been reporting the national headlines since the seventies and had always been stoic in the face of tragedy. In a shaking voice, he said, "The US president confirmed that the nanobot swarm was released approximately three hours ago, at five pm local time in Washington DC."

The bloated face of the president filled the screen, defiant and toad-like. "The United States of America will not stand by while the enemy lords it over us. They were warned, we have the best technology and we're not afraid to use it. This is on them, not on us." He grinned, face splitting wide like a horror mask. "The nanobots are programmed to attack only their fuel supplies – this weapon holds no danger for the rest of the world."

The newsreader continued. "But retaliation came quickly, with nanobots released on US soil shortly afterwards. Designed to attack and destroy electrical circuits, the nanobots have caused chaos and panic on the east coast of America, plunging Washington DC, Boston and New York into darkness, with all power grids failing and all devices using electricity rendered useless."

Shaky phone footage, shot after shot of people rioting, looting, running, screaming. Times Square, all the vibrant signs flicking off one by one, the White House floodlights snapping off. The newsreader's voice narrated over the scenes that looked like they were cut from the Purge movie series for being too violent. "The nanobots are spreading rapidly across the US, and although hopes were high that the tiny robots would be contained to only the North and South American continents, we've just received word that power grids are failing on the west coast of Africa and parts of the UK, which indicates the swarms are multiplying rapidly enough to cross large bodies of water.

"Meanwhile, the fuel nanobot swarm has spread from their original release location to Russia and throughout Asia." People sat in cars, uselessly honking horns, freeways gridlocked with endless streams of unmoving vehicles. "Planes worldwide have been grounded or diverted to the nearest major airport, with experts confident that the nanobots cannot climb above 2000 meters. Flights will reach their destination, with just enough time to land safely before the swarms compromise their fuel and electrical systems; the only good news on a day of international tragedy."

As we'd been watching, every mouth gaping open, the rest of the office had filtered silently into the room. Simon moved to the couch, elbows collapsing forward heavily onto his knees. Jaw tense, Bailey's hands gripped the back of a chair, while Nev held a box of tissues like a small dog, patting the soft tissue as if it were fur. Our client had barely moved, Rueben's gentle eyes creased in fear.

It was about this point that the scuffle broke out over gender-neutral insults, but before things could escalate (and before Rueben could answer my question), the newsreader cut in, urgent tones silencing the room. "I've been told our Prime Minister has a message for all Australian citizens. Please stand by as we cross to Canberra for the emergency broadcast."

The PM appeared on screen. He was a greasy, perpetually nervous man who'd been voted into the highest position in the land by baby boomers who loved his hard-line stance against 'evils' like equality, immigration and a woman's right to choose. He pulled at his collar, as if he'd suddenly realised this wasn't the job he thought it was going to be. "Ah, good morning, Australia. Well, not good morning. A very bad morning in fact..."

With shaking hands, he lifted a piece of paper and began to read. "After speaking with the White House before we lost contact with the US, and consulting with scientists here and London, it appears we have approximately one hour before the electric nanobots swarm over the Australian continent, and slightly longer before the fuel supply nanobots land here too – perhaps a few hours."