Wishes and Promises

I pulled up at the parking lot of Carley's school, with a naive smile on my face and a Happy Meal in my hand. I was about to unbuckle my seat belt but had to stop myself. There she was with her pink backpack, and her real father walking beside her. He carried her guitar for her which he gave her two years ago on her birthday. I forgot that it was Thursday and James was scheduled to pick her up from school choir practice. Gazing through the windshield, I felt a chill come down my spine. I was like a wildlife photographer witnessing what's just natural, and I had no right to meddle. I felt like a jagged rock just hit my chest.

As I was lost in thought, it was too late when I noticed that they were walking over to my car. James waved at me like a kid himself.

"Hey there, Harry," he greeted, combing his hair with his fingers.

I wanted to get out of there. Even though I could manage casual conversations with the guy, I wasn't used to such meetings. Still, I pulled down my window and wore a smile. "Hi, I was just passing by."

But James saw that I was trying to hide the box of Happy Meal on the side of my seat. I was preparing an excuse but he acted like he didn't see anything and then nodded. "We're going to the ice cream parlor."

His tone, or was it my paranoia, showed that he wasn't really inviting me. And at my current state, and considering that Carley barely looked at me and gave more attention to the other kids going out of the gates, there was no sense in offering to give them a lift.

"I see. Well, I was just going home."

After waving to Carley and waiting for her to wave back to no avail, I drove away like I was being chased by cops. After minutes of driving, I parked the car beside a basketball court, and rested my forehead on the steering wheel.

Could I really do this?

I wondered if every stepfather felt this—this jealousy. There's always like a chalk line on the ground that separated me from them. Was it supposed to be like this? And for how long?

Carley's birthday's in two weeks and I still haven't earned a place in her life. There were hits and misses, and this day was definitely a miss. I didn't want to compete with her father, but sometimes, the little girl's icy stares magnified the fact that I wasn't her mother's first love.

When I got home, I just sat on the couch and debated with myself on whether I should prepare some soup for myself or just eat the Happy Meal cheeseburger and apple slices instead. I gazed at every corner of the living room and almost didn't recognize the place. My bookshelf was filled with my books mixed with Valerie's books. I had two chairs there. It was our little nook where we would have coffee and share our insights on stories we loved or were reading at that moment. The house plants she insisted we got for both our houses also brightened up and freshened up the place. It was those simple things that made my days worthwhile, and it's all thanks to her.

For years I've been alone and everyone wondered when I would get married. A million times I explained to my family and friends that it wasn't easy to find the right one. Or actually have someone commit the silly mistake of ever falling in love with a guy like me. Even I grew skeptical of any probability of me having a girlfriend. But then, two years ago, Val came to my life and, well, she was the one who swept me off my feet. We were what you would call twin flames. Or at least that's what I unabashedly told her and everyone we knew. Everything about us clicked. But maybe it was because we both matured at the same time, but in different ways.

But like all feel-good stories, ours also had some not-so-good parts.

One week before Carley's birthday, Val and I got together for lunch. The sun was delicately shedding light on Val and I could look at her and listen to her all day, although we were merely chatting about the usual tasks in our jobs and the latest shows on TV. After 20 minutes, the waiter arrived and served our food. Val's smile was summoned by the sight and smell of the simple classic spaghetti and garlic bread.