Where We Started

ii. heartworm

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C H A P T E R  T W O

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heart·worm (n.) a relationship or friendship that you can't get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.  

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     IT TAKES A thousand things to create an accident.

     The alarm clock which was not accurately set last night. My mother who, for all of the days, prepared the most delicious breakfast I'd ever tasted. The broken shower. The delivery man who obstructed my way out as soon as I opened our front door. The couple who's too enamored on their locked lips, feverishly screwing each other in the hallway. My awkward trip over my other foot. The woman who held the elevator of our apartment building for an extra second before hitting the close button. My father's car, which required a few more turns from me for the key ignition to start the damn thing. The musician who made the song on my car stereo which sounded so good. The rush-hour traffic of Brooklyn streets.

     Situations after situations, person after person ─ all of those converged on the 24th day of December, year 2014 ─ irrevocably and irretrievably changing the course of everyone's whole life from that point on. Every person caused juncture to each other. Every person altered each other's worlds. But, there's always two crossing universes that would create the utmost collisions.

     If it wasn't for those things or persons, if I had just missed a single moment of that eventful day, would I have ever met Ivanna Duffine?

     It was Christmas time in Brooklyn then, the most detestable time of the year. You would get lost to the throng of people, the bustling passersby, the endless visits to relatives, the gift buying, the presents piled high around the tree, the swaying Christmas lights, the cheers full of pretense, and all people trying to be merry. All of it, a fake pursuit to true happiness.

     On that same day, I considered myself as an observer. While driving my car to run some errands for my mom, I saw too many things all at once. I noticed every person and thought about them, on what they do or do not do. I got lost on my own little world. That's the thing about me, I could never ever tune out what's running inside my head. Sometimes, the worst kind of suffocation is being stuck in your own mind.

     As I hid in the comfort of my car, basking on the solitude, I watched the activity of the people unknowingly passing me by.

     I understood very well how easy it would be to lose yourself on a huge crowd full of strangers. It's frightening yet exhilarating at the same time. It's like letting yourself drown in an ocean with no lifeguard.

     In every person, you can see excitement, weariness, despair, or happiness. I smiled to myself, because there's someone who caught my undivided attention. I knew I've seen her somewhere because she seemed really familiar. I saw this exquisite girl, waiting for the red lights so she could cross the pedestrian. She was on the brink of tears, pure emptiness crashing on her like a catastrophic tidal wave. Maybe, she lost someone she truly love. Or maybe, her dream was shattered right before her eyes. Really, I never could have known.

     I wondered if anyone else could see the sadness behind her eyes, if it isn't just me who's witnessing her undoing. When she tightly shut her eyes, does anyone knows, aside from me, what she was hiding behind it? I wondered as well, if she's already tired of pretending everything is okay. Her tears were starting to show and my smile was fading away.