The Difference Between Getting and Needing

t h i r t y - s i x

she's my deity
and she's saving m e . . .

〰️〰️〰️

Gus and I didn't have a real "honeymoon" by definition and wouldn't have one for another six months, but that didn't stop us from diving headfirst into the honeymoon phase as if we started dating all over again. It was like a step back in time ever since I moved back home and truthfully, I never wanted it to end.

We were still the same old us. A couple of unrefined romantics with our own kind of love language that nobody else understood, making faces at blissed-out sweethearts and the epic tale of their relationship worthy of a Hallmark movie. Not much had changed and yet so much had changed at the same time. We were the most grown versions of ourselves to date, but it felt like we were just two dumb, smitten kids again.

Like when I'd sneak Gus into my room because I hadn't told my parents that we were seeing each other yet, methodical with our meetups so we didn't run into an extra pair of eyes. When we couldn't keep our hands to ourselves no matter how hard we tried, though we were always tactful about it since PDA was so not our thing. When we would do absolutely anything to get just even five minutes alone; driving in circles, hiding in bushes, leaving parties as soon as we'd arrived.

At the start of things getting serious between us – before Gus even asked me to be his girlfriend, before we had sex for the first time, before we knew what the future would ever hold for us, we'd spend hours huddled together under the blankets in his room. Sometimes we would talk and sometimes we would simply bask in the silence, but either way, it was totally innocent. Our own perfect little hideaway.

We were reliving our early years all over again. Just a much more adult version of them.

Once all the presents had been opened and we moved from the kitchen to the bedroom, it was like we were about to see each other naked for the first time. The way that Gus took my robe off with such careful expertise, you would have thought he was trying to crack the code to stop a ticking timebomb. How his fingers or his lips didn't skip over any stretch of skin, determined to touch every part of me whether it was physical or not. As if I could even imagine being so idolized by anyone else.

The light from the kitchen trickled through the half-open door into our dark bedroom, where our limp bodies lay in a woven mess of legs and sweat after some of the hottest sex we'd ever had. My fingertips traced the contours of Gus' arm that rested on top of the comforter, committing this moment of absolute peace to my memory since those times were sparse with us. His racing heart had finally started to dwindle back to normal, his dewy chest warm against my cheek. We were so close that every breath he took made the wispy hairs at the front of my head dance around.

Neither of us had really spoken much. I didn't want to disturb the mood, but my curiosity about a pretty crucial matter was at an all-time high. It had been for two weeks and I couldn't repress it much longer.

I used to be such a pro at holding my emotions in. I'd sooner die than let anybody know how I was really feeling. Ever since Gus told me that was one of my many shortcomings, now I cracked at the drop of a hat. I almost hated to admit that I was getting used to it.

"Hey," I said, my voice a notch above a whisper. "I have an idea."

"You wanna give me another blowjob? Wow, what a champ," he gushed, closing his arms around me and crushing me with them.

"Fuck off," I mumbled into his chest.

He started laughing as I wriggled out of his grip and I saw the teasing, lopsided smile on his face when I propped myself up on an elbow. "Kidding. I think I'm done for the night. Although maybe in like half an hour I could–"