The pain addiction is getting worse. Everytime the blade scratches my soft skin, I crave for more of it. As i feel the soft cold metal upon my skin. I want more. I can't help it. The feeling is one of the few that can calm me down. And with my anger lately. The more that can calm me down, the better. I think I'm starting to scare my family. You know, with the whole cutting and anger thing. I don't think they understand with thte fact that I can't control it. It just happens. It's almost like something is controling me. Like something tells my brain to do it. And then my brain takes over. I've never felt so out of control in my life. I'm usually the one that has the most control. Some of that is because a lot of people are scared of me. But others, not as much. I'm usually the quiet one in school. And I think that creeps some people out. Because some people give me funny looks. But the looks might also be, because I'm not exactly one of the prettiest girls in school. But I'm not ugly either. I'm actually quite fair looking. Some people would say that I am very pretty. But I don't know what I think of myself. I don't think I am pretty or ugly. I just believe that I am different. I am unlike any other person. I might as well be my own species. I've only found one person that is even a little bit like me. He's my bestfriend. His name is Max Gufford. I still don't know his middle name. Even after knowing him for 10 years. But I don't really care. It doesn't really bother me. Well, it doesn't bother me as much as a lot of other things do. I personally found out that a lot of things bother me. The amount of things that bother me, is almost the same amount of things that depress me. I'm almost always depressed. I can't help it. It's just the way my life is. Ecspecially my life at home. My life at home is just terrible. My father abuses me. And my mother is to weak to help and defend me. That's why I like school so much. And I try to stay at school for as long as possible. So I don't have to stay home for as long as everyone else does. That's one of the reasons why I am different from everyone else. Most people can't wait for school to be over. But on the other hand, for me, I wish that it would never end. I mean, but at the same time. If school never ended. Then I wouldn't be able to protect my mother when my father's drunk. Becuase the only time my father will hit my mother. Is when he's drunk. But he'll hit me whenever he pleases to. My mother and I are both scared of my father. But we can't afford to leave him. But were also scared to leave. Because were both affraid that he's going to hunt us down and hurt us. So my life at home pretty much sucks ass. It's different from everyone else' lives, I can tell you that. But as you can see. That's not exactly a good thing. In fact, it's probably one of the worst things on this planet. Others would probably agree with me too.
