The Quarantine Diary of Adam Garrett [mxm]

Day 12

Holy. Shit.

I have to write this all out. Just to make sense of it.

After I finished work, we ate dinner on the balcony with a bottle of wine, playing "I Spy." There wasn't much to spy, but it felt like we needed something to do as we sat outside in the fresh air, passing the wine back and forth. I won the game after Brad failed to spot the purple curtains on the apartment across the street and three floors down. Rookie mistake.

Once the dishes were done, Brad produced a pack of cards from his pocket. I jumped onto the couch. I was ready.

"Okay, finally," I said, sitting cross-legged with my back straight. "I'm ready to be impressed."

"Okay," Brad said. "Shuffle the cards."

I did. When I handed them back, he spread them on the coffee table.

"Pick one."

I did. It was the five of spades.

He held out a Sharpie. "Write your name on it, or some distinguishing mark."

I uncapped the Sharpie, and I was overwhelmed by a sudden idea, totally consumed by it. I had a choice, here. I could just write "Adam" or a smiley face or something. Or... I could write something really cute and flirty, or I could even seize the moment and declare something on this card right now. Put an end to all the doubt and anxiety. When he pulled it and saw it, everything would finally be out in the open.

I thought about it for three seconds before I wrote "I think I love you" in the spaces between the five spades.

"Place your card on top of the deck," Brad said, "give it a shuffle, and split the deck in three."

He made me go through all these steps and even more, basically demonstrating just how shuffled the deck was. I obeyed but my heart was pounding. In just a few seconds, everything was going to come to a head. I had lost track of the trick. It seemed very complicated. Was he even going to be able to pull it off? What my stupid card was lost in the deck?

Finally, all the cards were back in Brad's hand. He cleared his throat and said, "Okay, if I did this right, your card is at the top of the deck. Go ahead and turn it over..."

I pulled the card and turned it over and my brain had a moment of short-circuiting. It wasn't my card, I knew that right away, but it had a message written on it, too.

It was the two of hearts. Brad had written "I'm going to kiss you now" between the hearts.

I looked up, in total shock, and Brad slid his hand to the back of my neck and pulled me into a kiss.

It was... so good I couldn't even process it. All I could think was oh my god, oh my god, oh my god and kiss him back. Within a minute he had pushed me gently backward and climbed on top of me. I wrapped my leg around him to press him closer.

As he kissed me, he was trying to talk about how surprised he was—"I can't... believe... you're so... into this. I mean, I thought for sure you'd say no."

I started laughing uncontrollably. He looked down at me like I was going crazy.

"Look through the deck of cards right now," I said between my peels of laughter. "Find mine. Look at what it says."

Brad reached for the cards and flipped through them madly. I had a moment of doubt before he found it—what if "I think I love you" was a little too strong?—but when he found it, he pulled it from the deck and stared at it for a long time. Very slowly, he laid it on the table next to his card. "I think I love you" next to "I'm going to kiss you now."

"Holy shit," he said.

He was disarmed, so I took control. I pulled his head toward mine. I pushed him backwards. I got on top. Brad liked that. His huge hands grabbed my hips and pressed us closer. He ran his thumbs over my hipbones and I felt tiny. I felt like some younger version of myself—a lighter, louder, happier version. The Adam who used to make out with guys and have fun doing it. I remembered how powerful I used to feel when I pulled back for a breath and Brad growled, as if to say "oh no you don't," and kissed me twice as hard when I came back to him.

When it felt like the couch was holding us back, I rolled off him and took him to my room. Brad took off his shirt and any restraint I had just dissolved when I saw the freckles on his shoulders. This time I could touch them freely, instead of just letting them tease me. Brad shivered when I ran my fingertips over his skin. He grabbed for the bottom of my shirt and I let him pull it off. We crashed down onto my bed. His weight on me felt amazing. I haven't been underneath anyone in long, long time, and once I was I didn't want to stop. I would have done anything he asked or instructed or helped himself to. I forgot I was such a lush.

Well. Luckily Brad isn't liked that. He surfaced from our haze and blurted out that he didn't have any condoms. Neither did I, but I was glad to wind things back down. Cuddle in. Kiss until our lips hurt. Let our brains come back online.

I got up to write all this down after Brad fell asleep. If I don't do it now, I'll forget the little details. I don't want tonight to become a blur, even if it's a good blur. I don't want to forget anything. I

...Ha, Brad just woke up and saw me, sitting in my computer chair, writing. He asked what I was doing and I told him about this diary. He called it "adorable" and asked if he could read it tomorrow. I took a little convincing, but I finally said yes.

So... hi, Brad.