The Suburbs

nineteen

Do I dare disturb the universe?

[T.S. Eliot]

• • •

Kody's biggest mistake was ever thinking, even for just a moment, that he could love Arlo wholeheartedly. That he could love anyone wholeheartedly. Maybe his sister was an exception. Kind, constant, teasing, stable. Sophia was always there, right beside him. She always would be. He knew how to love her.

He didn't know how to love his friends; how to help Isabel, how to laugh at Rhea's jokes, how to comfort Christopher after a breakup that wasn't his fault. He didn't know how to show Alex that her value didn't depend on her family's acceptance. His friends managed on their own. They survived, and ultimately, Kody wasn't the reason for their happiness. Kody was there. He supported them, but he didn't make them into who they are today.

Similarly, he couldn't help Charlie. He spent too many sleepless nights wondering how he could have been a better boyfriend, when the real solution was to be a better person. A better friend, a better support system.

Then, he finally got it right.

Arlo. Sweet, beautiful, kind Arlo. Kody made a few mistakes; he fell for him, he dreamt about him, and he kissed him. He was blinded by those sparkling green eyes. But then his vision cleared and he wised up. Finally, he realised.

He realised that loving someone with everything you have is useless. It leaves nothing for yourself, and nothing to give. He couldn't help Arlo so long as he kept falling. Arlo needed help, but not from Kody. Kody couldn't give him what he needed, and once he finally realised that, things got easier.

So, fuck love. He was still a kid. He had time to make mistakes and kiss new people and sleep with strangers. Maybe it wasn't the perfect ending, the perfect love story. Maybe he hurt people along the way, and maybe he hated himself for it. But Kody was still learning.

The town was a piece of broken machinery, spitting out smiley people with bright eyes and a generally happy future. It didn't inspire diversity or change or transformation. The town was trapped in a conservative bubble that needed to be popped. Kody couldn't do it alone. He needed help. Help from a suicidal boy, from a Catholic lesbian, from a friend with too much internalised homophobia to know what to do with.

They were the change.

And ultimately, Kody realised that the town wasn't so different from London after all. There was still the same sea of nameless faces and faceless names. People who were always there, in the background, waiting to fall in love.

Kody finally realised that he was one of them all along. He wasn't different, or special, or diverse. He was a smudge in the grey monochrome rainbow that he now called home. Because everyone had their own story, their own secrets, their own past, their own lost love. His was one of many.

He learnt to forgive himself. And life continued.

He continued to eat lunch in the canteen with Rhea, Isabel, and Christopher (who stayed friends after the breakup). He continued to visit Alex for their regular catchup and a cigarette outside her house. He continued to message Acadia almost everyday, and keep up to date with her life. He continued to walk to school with his sister and tease her for anything he could think of. He continued to eat dinner with his family, which he finally admitted wasn't a bad thing after all.

Kody and Arlo became close friends. They stayed at each other's houses, played video games, watched movies, and sat opposite each other in the library. Kody's locker still had their initials carved into it, and Arlo's bedroom had acquired many sticky notes with badly drawn smiley faces on them.

Kody took Arlo to his doctors appointments and bought him ice cream when he had a bad day. They shared everything, and neither would change a thing.

Kody was happy. And so was Arlo.

It was Friday morning when Kody turned to his best friend with a smile, "You really think this is a good idea?"

Arlo was clutching a handful of books, the smile on his face now a more permanent feature. He had colour in his cheeks and a sparkle in his eyes. "Of course I do."

Kody sighed and nodded, "Thanks, Arlo." He said, ruffling the boy's hair before crossing the corridor.

She was wearing a pretty summer dress with her hair tucked behind her ears and a smile on her lips. "Oh, hi, Kody." She welcomed.

"Hey, Megan." He replied.

"What's up?"

"I was wondering if you still wanted to get that drink sometime?"

She nodded, her smile growing, "I'd love to, Kody."