Exotic

~ panic in year zero ~

c/w: this chapter contain a description of a panic attack. if this is triggering for you in any way, i have placed a * where it's safe to read from :)

I followed my phone to the floor, fumbling for the call button and raising it to my ear. Blood roared in my ears, making it difficult to hear when Caleb asked after two rings.

"Don't freak out," was the first thing out of his mouth. I dug my fingers into the carpet, rocking back and forth as my lungs contracted further.

"What the fuck do you mean, Lauren knows?" I managed to wheeze out, throat constricted by dense panic.

Caleb hesitated, prompting me to repeat myself in a hoarse scream.

"Jesus, she just knows, alright?" Caleb snapped. His voice was constantly changing volume, like he was on the move. "Second you got out of the car, she said 'I thought he looked familiar'. When I asked for clarification, she told me, 'it made sense you freak out every time you see her' because you're Steph."

I pressed my forehead against the floorboards, revelling in the tiny relief the cool wood afforded me.

"Would you say something?" Caleb demanded. "Please."

I didn't know if I physically could, through the tight confines of my throat and the intense shaking that had possessed my body. I opened and closed my mouth a few times uselessly.

"She doesn't know about us," Caleb began to ramble. "She doesn't know you perform, and she doesn't think I'm... gay."

"Good for fucking you," I choked.

"I mean, I didn't tell her you were gay either," he argued. "Look, I just told her I saw you at the bus stop, recognised you, and gave you a place to get changed. And that the whole Steph thing was a joke, that you were messing with her. Anything she thinks, I didn't prompt it. I didn't tell her anything. And she won't tell anyone, she's not like that... would you just say something?"

I knew the source of his panic wasn't due to any compromising position his little sister might put me in. The only reason he'd picked up the phone was to make sure I knew he hadn't spilled the beans. He wanted to guarantee that I would keep my end of the bargain, despite his being broken.

No one finds out about Sephora.

I wanted to blame Caleb – it would have been easier – but I had chosen to stick around and spend over an hour with her. Lauren had figured me out, and it was entirely subject to my own carelessness. The knowledge that there was no one to fault but my own turned back my needling anxiety back on me.

I sucked in a breath, rocking back on my heels. My head was spinning like a top. "Why would you tell me that?"

I imagined Caleb startling to a stop. "I thought you needed to know."

"She's not going to tell anyone. You said so yourself," I gulped. "Do you get some sick enjoyment out mentally tormenting me?"

"Jesus," Caleb came back immediately, tone irate. "Sorry for thinking it was important to keep you in the loop. Next time, I'll keep it to myself."

"Thanks," I snapped, but it came out almost incoherent. I pulled the phone away from my mouth as a sob reverberated from my chest, loud and congested.

"Miles," Caleb's voice carried from the phone. If I hadn't known better, I might have thought he sounded concerned. "Are you alright?"

I hung up.

My back hit the side of the bed, and I dropped my head back onto the mattress. My lungs felt like they were the size of water balloons, and the ability to breathe out became a distant memory. My hands found my knees and clenched down until my stubby nails left crescents in my knees. The ceiling above me spun, and when I did finally breath out, it came out as a pathetic little wail.