dear guardian angel, you have forsaken me.
you watch me to tear myself to shreds and then turn my body towards a mirror and force me to look at my mess. you push my face against the glass and my tears plop onto my feet. why am i not allowed to know you? you don't speak to me, not in ways you know i understand. i need to hear you. you know it's unfair too, you know me because you are apart of me and you watch me and you see through me. i cannot see through you; you wisp and dash away when i capture you with my eyes. you think it's a game, so i throw tantrums to get any reaction. i shake and scream and wait and wail and destroy just to see you, just to know you are there and we can watch the sun rise together and my actions go unpunished. and then you leave before i can grab ahold of you, before i can breathe you in. i needed you but you never needed me. sometimes you write in the sand or move stubborn winds away from my direction and i let my hands hold each other to assure you that i didn't notice. you loom over me and i look up to see if you resemble my mother. you never let me see your face. i follow you to rivers and seas and i wait for the world to change while you wait for me to change. when i sleep i feel your hands on my shoulders, frantically shaking me for something but i squeeze my eyes shut and wait for you to stop because if you really wanted to speak you'd do it beneath the sun. i don't want to hide. when i think you've finally done your job and gave me a sign, when i think i've come closer to solving the crisis that is me, when i think you have finally removed my heart from my vessel and added the parts that were missing, when i think you have finally listened! my tears fall in relief and i laugh and turn deliciously with my hands in my hair and i say thats it. thats what i wanted. i feel you blink in confusion and i ignore you. i feel seen and every inch of my being is pounding and taking a well deserved breath. then i slow down and let the illusion melt in my stomach. i sit. a few pathetic laughs escape me before they turn into sobs. i lean back until my back touches cold concrete and i groan like i am dying, but this is just one of many deaths. you have made me immortal, more than even you. i am inconsolable. i don't know why this is happening. why is this happening? what did i do? you bend down beside me and watch my self-inflicted exorcism until it ends. you allow me to be miserable. i roll to face you. my face is heavy and my vision is blurred so i blink it away. i sniffle in your direction. we both say nothing. (i want to apologize, but you don't deserve it.) and then we get up. and i open the restaurant door.
