break my heart

two

Prior

During high school, I had always been on the quieter side. I wasn't ever lonely, but I wouldn't say that I thrived in groups of people. I wasn't particularly extraordinary, clever, talented... for the most part, I would say that I was quite invisible. Until I met him, that was. I don't quite remember the first time I saw him, but I do remember the first time we had spoken. As cliche as it may be, we were put in the same group project at school and got along instantly. Soon, we began to message outside of just talking about the project, and before I knew it, we were talking every day. I was still deep in denial about if I felt anything more than friendship for him, but I was happy enough anyway.

"Elodie! Wait up!" I heard my friend Lola call after me and turn to see her running towards me, long, blonde hair flying behind her, "you walk so fast!"

"Or you're just slow?" I offered, laughing as I watched her rest her hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath, "why are you finally at school on time? Isn't the bus you usually catch the late one?"

"Oh I got a ride in today," Lola replied, before leaning in to whisper, "Jack's behind me, gonna say hi?"

I turned to see him walking down the steps that she had just run down. It was almost as if my heart skipped a beat when I saw him, not that I believed in that kind of thing anyway. I supposed I was just happy to see a new friend, someone who I got along with so well. Although admittedly, he was quite cute too.

"Hey," Jack said, smiling when he saw me, "how's it going?"

"I'm good, so excited for class today. Physics for two hours!" I replied sarcastically, giving him a thumbs up, "how are you?"

"Quite tired, but alright," he said while he ran a hand through his thick, dark hair. His hair flopped back down into his bright, hazel eyes and I was close enough to be able to see the light dusting of freckles across his nose.

He smiled at me again before turning to greet Lola, who was still beside me. Then, the sound of his name being called drew his attention away and he quickly said goodbye before he ran off towards his friends. I watched him until he turned the corner and vanished from my sight.

"What is happening with you two?" Lola asked after he was out of earshot, nudging me with her elbow as we walked, "are you guys a thing or-?"

"No! We're just friends," I protested, diverting my gaze elsewhere, "I don't think he'd like me in that way anyway. I mean, he's quite popular."

"You don't know that! I think he's interested. How's it going?" she giggled, while she mimicked him touching his hair, "wanna make out?"

"Oh shut up," I laughed, shaking her off, "as if he'd like me anyway."

I didn't like to say a lot about it, but I struggled a lot to like the way I looked. Actually, I would have been satisfied with just accepting the way I looked. I didn't even have to like it that much, I just wanted to be able to catch sight of my reflection and not feel like tearing my flesh off my own bones. I felt like even just the scenario of high school fuelled the burning rage of self hatred that dwelled inside me, making my insides match my exterior. It just made me feel small.

"Just admit it girl, you like him!" Lola said, "even if you don't admit it, I know anyway. You can't convince me otherwise, I see the sparks girl!"

"Oh fuck off will you," I rolled my eyes, before I tried to change the subject in hopes she'd let the subject go, "how about you anyway? Anyone you got your eye on now?"

"You know there's always someone I'm eyeing off. I can't help that there's always boys I'm chatting with."

"Of course, why am I not surprised? Who is it this week?"

Lola suddenly halted in the middle of the path, a smile taking over her face, "Quentin of course!"

It's cute; the way her whole face lights up, the way her blonde hair tumbles down her back like a waterfall of sunshine, and it made me realise why there was an abundance of guys willing to fall over themselves for her attention.

It was both amazing to be her friend to see that, get an insight into the kind of life I would never have. But also, it always drove me a little further into the hole I'd dug for myself, away from the spotlight, from anyone's attention. It always made me hear the little voice in my head, all too quick and eager to remind me that I will never be enough for anyone to like. That little voice always emerged from the shadows of my mind whenever it felt like it; no matter if I was having what could be described as a perfect day, but it especially liked to sink its claws into me when I was at my absolute worst. No matter how hard I tried, I could never make the voice stop until it shoved me deeper into the ground. Now I was just so far down that I could not even see the surface.

But I couldn't let the jealousy that I would never be as good as the friends I surrounded myself with take over me, I just had to be grateful that I was surrounded by good people. Lola was not someone I could ever compete with, but I was also just glad I never had to.

Lola had begun to walk backwards, exaggerating her movements to add a dramatic flair as she described her latest crush. Suddenly, I looked behind her and noticed Quentin himself stood right in her danger zone and she was just about to bump into him.

"I mean, have you seen his eyes? His face? His everything? He is gorgeous I say, stunning, perfect..." she began to ramble with a dreamy, star-struck expression in her brown eyes, "he is sex on a plate, no, on a golden platter. Oh, did I mention those bright, blue eyes of his-"

"Hey Lola!" Quentin smirked, laughing as Lola cried out, spun around and jumped backwards.

"Oh, Quentin, hi! Fancy seeing you here. What's up?" She asked, running her hands through her hair while shooting him a smile, "you didn't happen to hear what I was saying just now right?"

"Of course not," he said, adjusting his backpack which is slung off his left shoulder, "I was just minding my own business, on my way to class... But for the record, I think you have nice eyes too."

Quentin winked at her before laughing and walking off, leaving Lola with her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. She huffed, turning to me while trying to look annoyed and fight off the impulse to grin.

"Just end me, right now please," she said, closing her eyes and spreading out her arms, "I want to choose how I end before I die of embarrassment."

"You and I both know you loved every second of that interaction," I grinned, grabbing her arm and dragging her towards our first class.

"You're right. He cute," she replied, sighing contentedly, "I have no regrets."

***

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