metanoia | alec lightwood

30

I was underwater.

In Lake Lyn.

In the exact same spot I was when I portalled there, the surface so far away from me, and my lungs tight from the lack of oxygen.

I looked by me, seeing a mirror version of me staring right back at me, making me start to try and swim to the surface, but I couldn't.

"No- no-" I started to murmur in my sleep, gripping my sheets, "No!-"

"Hey, hey, hey!" Jace's voice pulled me out of my dream, "Wake up-"

I jolted up, breathing heavily, in my cold room, sweating, Jace stops by me, holding onto my arms, "Hey- it's okay- it was just a bad dream."

My room felt empty without Alec.

"Jace-" I breathe out, then covered my face for a moment, sitting up, "Hey- sorry-"

"Don't apologize." Jace replies, "I, uh, heard you screaming- are you all right?"

"Yeah." I hugged myself, looking around my room, "It was just a nightmare- I was back at Lake Lyn and- drowning. It was weird- I just can't get anything that happened back at Lake Lyn out of my head."

"It's not exactly top on my vacation list, either." Jace sat on my bed, putting a hand on my leg to comfort me.

"Jonathan's alive, Jace." My voice was quiet, staring ahead, "If Jonathan's alive- after all the reading I did on him from those journals- god, he and Valentine could be working together- or he could be under his influence- or-"

"Whatever it is- we'll beat them." Jace assures me, squeezing my leg, "Don't worry-"

"You can't be that confident, Jace." I looked at him, completely vulnerable, "You can't."

"I am." Jace said, "Because we have you-"

I slightly tear up, gently shaking my head, breathing out, "I'm no match for them-"

Jace looked around my room, noticing all of Alec's missing items, "You actually did it, didn't you?"

"He doesn't remember me at all." I whispered, looking at him, "I know- it was an impulsive, horrible decision-"

"You can't let Valentine control you like this, Zee-" Jace sighed quietly, "You can't let him be the factor of who you can love or if you can at all-"

"But, it's Jonathan too now, Jace- and he had no one but- Valentine to teach him the difference between right and wrong- who knows how he turned out- he could've turned out worse than me." I said to him, a tear falling, "I can't let myself falter-"

"My Dad is the only thing I know, Jace-" I said to him, "What he taught me- it doesn't matter who comes into my life, or what happens to me- what he's taught me- will always stick- he knows me better than anyone- and he's right when he says that anger and pain drive me and love makes me weak."

Jace huffed lightly, pulling me into his chest to comfort me when tears started to fall, "I don't like that you're punishing yourself because of him."

I don't reply, my quiet sobs filling the room.

-

"Are you sure you wanna work on this?" Jace quietly asked me, "I know you're on edge."

"I'm fine." I fixed my loose low bun.